NUFC’s Mike Ashley Finally Talks About the Big Sam Sacking

By: Martha | January 11th, 2008

The Brain Trust Apart from the old “mutual consent” chestnut, notoriously publicity-shy Newcastle owner Mike Ashley has been silent on the dismissal of Sam Allardyce. He doesn’t talk to the press much as it is, and since this is England in the press automatically become terribly sympathetic with the coaches they were ripping the moment the gaffers are fired, he certainly wouldn’t want to sit down for a big interview now.

It’s a different story, though, for serious, quiet little websites, and Brian at Pitch Invasion has somehow scored a huge coup by convincing Ashley to sit down with him for an in-depth, personal interview about what went wrong with Big Sam. A preview is after the jump.

BRIAN: What the fuck, dude?

NEWCASTLE OWNER MIKE ASHLEY: Sorry?

BRIAN: That is my question for you. My question is: What. The. Fuck.

NOMA: Well, I don’t—

BRIAN: Because you finished thirteenth last year. You realize that, right? That you finished thirteenth last year? I know you don’t get out much. They have football tables in your hidden underground zebra-striped space cockpit, right?

NOMA: I know where we—

BRIAN: And the year before that you were seventh, and the year the before that you were fourteenth. These are not good numbers, dude. This is not a winning lottery ticket. The popcorn popper that churns ping-pong balls does not think you have won today’s powerball jackpot. We’re sorry, you bought Newcastle United. Please try again next week.

NOMA: What are you—

BRIAN: So why fire your manager now, champ? Midway through the season, he’s been on the job eight months, the team’s in eleventh place. That’s better than you did last year! And that’s not me talking; that’s math. Was it something that just came to you while you were blasting at TIE Fighters one day?

NOMA (bristling): Now, look here. I do not spend all my time playing Star Wars in a secluded bunker in my basement.