10 People We’d Like Not To Star In A Sex Tape

Sex tapes with young athletes are one thing, I suppose, for those of you are into that sort of thing. Sex tapes involving the likes of Paul Jewell, however, is an entirely different matter. It’s safe to say no one benefits from watching Pauly get down and dirty with unnamed blond women, no matter how bizarre your tastes may be. He’s one the world could certainly do without.

So, in honor of Paul, here’s a list of 10 people involved with the sport that we politely ask not to take part in the filming and release of any sort of sex tape:

In no particular order, the 10:

Peter Crouch: Seriously, have you seen his robot dance? Tell me that wouldn’t be awkward.

Vikash Dhorasoo: Because he could shave directly beforehand and have a five o’clock shadow by the time he’s done with the foreplay, among many, many other reasons. If you like watching a musk ox mating then go check out the Animal Planet.

Mauro Camoranesi: Because the “bun on top” ‘do makes him look like a geisha with a little bit too much facial hair. There’s no need to have to guess gender mid showing. No need whatsoever.

Sepp Blatter: This one is rather self explanatory, and we have the evidence to back it up.

Wayne Rooney: I’m pretty sure “dudes who look like homeless lumberjacks” isn’t an adult genre. The other part of this is a little request of Wayne that he never partake in one from here on out – grandmas or not – because he seems a likely candidate to bestow himself upon us. (Actually, let’s just extend that invitation to the entire Manchester United front line.)

Joleon Lescott: You, sir, are just fucking hideous.

Tommaso Ghirardi: He is the relatively young owner of Parma, and if you don’t know who he is, well, you’re in for a treat:

Chances are he is to blame for world hunger.

Arjen Robben: One, the receding-by-the-minute-hairline doesn’t flatter him whatsoever. But mostly, there’s no need to see him tear a ligament when he’s going for a Cruijff turn mid-throw. Arjen just needs to stick with non-contact activities.

Momo Sissoko: It’d be like watching a rose bush get trimmed with a chainsaw, if you get my drift.

Oliver Kahn: Too much yelling, too many fist pumps and way, way too much Olli Kahn.

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Category: Bundesliga, Dutch Eredivisie, English Premier League, Europe, French Ligue 1, Serie A, Spain La Liga