German Football Will Kill You

According to a study done by Ludwig Maximilians University during the 2006 World Cup, heart attacks or “cardiovascular problems” in males increased by a factor of three on a German gameday, and increased by 82% in the ladies. More so, these occurrences usually took place within 2 hours of the start of the match. Which I’m sure has nothing to do with the excessive inhalation of bratwurst and Krombacher on said game days.

The match which contained the most cardiovascular attacks was of course the Germany-Argentina game. Logic would dictate that, duh, it’s because it was the longest game of the tournament for Germany, and the time thus allowed for more attacks. But I have a different theory. I bet were we to break down the attacks minute by minute, the most occurred when Jens Lehmann started breaking out that little piece of paper from his socks, as most people assumed it was an inspirational note from either his mommie or – gasp – Ollie Kahn. Or maybe they thought it was a few notes on “How to save pks”.

Or maybe penalties are reason enough, as the New England Journal of Medicine points out:

“Apparently, of prime importance for triggering a stress-induced event is not the outcome of a game — a win or a loss — but rather the intense strain and excitement experienced during the viewing of a dramatic match, such as one with a penalty shoot-out.”

Didn’t realize the NEJM has a sports section. Eat that, Wall Street Journal.

The game which came in second behind the Argentina match was – you’d better sit down for this big surprise – the semi-final matchup against the Azzurri. Shocking, I know. Though not because it was a nail biter or massive matchup (though it was), but because the two goals which knocked the Germans out were from a lanky left-back who had been in Serie B the year before and Alessandro “I Peaked In 1997″ Del Piero. What were the odds of that?

So if you want to prolong your life, don’t root for Germany.

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Category: Bundesliga, World Football