10 Potential Buyers for Newcastle United

By: Daryl | September 24th, 2008

Before you read on, this isn’t a serious list. It’s just ten silly suggestions. Especially #4.

If you’re a Newcastle fan and thus in no mood for laughing, then don’t read any further. I’d suggest reading this more serious list of potential buyers on the always good NUFC Blog.

Everyone else, read on…

1. Kevin Keegan
I know he can’t afford it, but if he’s really the Geordie Messiah then the least he could do is front a multi-billion consortium.

2. Some Nigerian guys
Unless they have a yahoo.com email address and ask for your bank details. Be double wary if they’re offering £419 million.

3. The Dragon’s Den
Ashley could go on the show and pitch Newcastle United to the Dragons as an investment opportunity:

4. Some Middle Eastern fellas
Just because it seems fashionable these days. Plus maybe they’ll rebuild St. James’ Park underground.

5. Newcastle Brown Ale
For my money, Newcastle United were at their best when sponsored by Newky Brown. Those were the days of Peter Beardsley and ~~Ashley~~ (typo) Andy Cole and nearly winning the league. And a moneypit of a football club might not seem like a sound investment right now for a brewery, but they wouldn’t have to pay full price. Just sit Ashley down and ply him with your product until he signs away the club for £20.

6. Mike Ashley
Take off the Newcastle jersey (it’s too tight anyway) and put a god damn shirt and tie on. Get serious. Then tell everyone that the Mike Ashley was actually your incompetent imposter twin brother and that you - the real Mike Ashley - have bought the club from him. Then fire Dennis Wise.

7. U.S. taxpayers
They’re about to bail out some other struggling businesses, so what harm could one more do? And at least this way all US based Premier League fans will have a de facto team to root for that isn’t Fulham.

8. Freddy Shepherd
Because now he looks good by comparison

9. Michael Owen
Well he’s been earning over 100k a week for a while now and has had plenty free time to take some business classes. Plus if he owned the club he could sell himself and finally escape.

10. Newcastle United fans
We all know the Toon Army love their club. So what if they all pooled their pocket money and made Ashley an offer. It would be like myfootballclub.co.uk except the owners would actually be fans of the club instead of a bunch of randoms who thought it might be a laugh.