Arshavin: Midfielder. Quote Machine. Promoter of Equal Sexes.

By: chris | February 5th, 2009

The first one’s true because Arsenal’s official site says so.

The second is true for reasons you’ll find out soon enough.

The third….well, that’s just a complete lie. Different strokes for different cultures, obviously, but let’s just say Andrey hasn’t exactly done himself any favors endearing to the portion of the Gunner fanbase wielding XX chromosomes.

“If I had it in my power to introduce a ban on women driving cars and to withdraw all their licences, I would do it without thinking twice. In my opinion a woman and a man are two absolutely different creatures.”

Oh boy.

But Andrey picks himself up quite nicely from this little moment and now says that what he looks for in a woman – at least the women who aren’t his wife and mother of his children (a woman who looks every bit the 12 year old he does) – are “style and manners”, which is kosher enough.

Oh, and she must have a tiny bum.

‘I like tall, slim girls with narrow thighs and tiny bums,’ he said. ‘If a girl is like this I do not pay attention to her breasts. Hair colour doesn’t matter either. What is really important is her style and manners.’

Nearly everything this kid – as much a kid as a 27 year old can be, anyway – says is pure gold.

Andrey on choosing a university/dressmaking:

“When I turned 17, I had to choose which university to attend. My friends and I decided to try for the technology and design institute because there were lots of girls among the students and you didn’t have to study too hard, or so we thought. I enrolled in the chemical technology department. But when I began training with Zenit I had to miss a lot of classes. I transferred to the clothes design department. I have designed several garments myself.”

Clearly I should’ve gone to school in St. Petersburg because my chemistry classes looked anything but the equivalent of the Playboy grotto. Fashion? Yes, can see that. Chemistry? Not so much.

Andrey on the voices inside his head:

“I’m different. But I’m not trying to be eccentric. I always do what my inner voice tells me.”

Andrey on near death:

‘I was crossing the street when two trams appeared at the station. I didn’t see the car which hit me. I went flying ten metres up in the air. It is a miracle I am still alive.’

Ten meters and he’s not an eggplant. Kid’s going to be steamrolling defenders like a blindfolded Momo Sissoko.

Andrey on darkness:

“I used to be afraid of darkness. In fact I’m still afraid of it.”

Andrey on dark water:

“I won’t jump into water from a tenmetre diving board. I’m generally scared of it. Not even of how deep it is — but the creatures that are maybe hiding in it.”

Don’t laugh, I’m also afraid of creatures in swimming pools – mainly the little creatures called “children” who pee in them. Or frat guys who pee in them. Or are we talking some M. Night Shyamalan stuff here?

Andrey on his wife wanting the shirt off Cristiano Ronaldo’s back:

“I do not like to exchange shirts after the games with opponent teams’ players. I only attempted to do it once because my wife asked me to. She wanted me to exchange with Ronaldo, who she likes as a player. But my attempt failed.”

Andrey on women who smoke and lie:

“I dislike women who smoke — and lies.”

But if she smokes she…..nevermind.

Best of all, his English is coming along splendidly, which means we’ll surely hear more thoughts emanating from Andrey’s inner voices in the near future. Excellent news indeed.

Hasn’t even played a game yet and he’s already the best thing to happen to the Premier League since Serhiy Rebrov.

Wait, that’s not right, is it?

[Originally spotted on The Spoiler]