Prem 08-09: The Sack Race

By: chris | August 15th, 2008

The beginning of the Premiership season is upon us, and that means a few things:

i. If you root for someone outside the Big Four, start dreaming of the UEFA Cup.
ii. Referees will be forced into hiding again.
iii. Get your hair gel now, ladies, because England is going to be depleted by November.
iv. At least a half dozen managers are already bracing for the cruel blow of the axe.

And that’s where we come in with the time honored tradition of making an obnoxious number of lists before and after each season. Who’s going down, who’s going up, and who’s going to be collecting unemployment before Halloween rolls around? So if you’re someone who loves betting on this sort of thing, we, like everyone else, have made a little guide to where the managers stand as we approach Prem 2008-09.

The Untouchables

Sir SAFfy (ManU): Quite simply, he could walk into the board room wearing a Citeh shirt while singing “You’ll Never Walk Alone” before asking for a pay raise…and still get it.

The Voyeur (Arsenal): The only way Arsene loses his job is if all this ogling teenagers crap lands him in jail.

Pretty Damn Close

Martin O’Neill (Aston Villa): Chances are if Villa falters, it’s won’t be his fault. And even if it is, he’s got plenty of leash.

David Moyes (Everton): Hey, Everton actually can one up Liverpool here. Moyes has a much lesser chance of being canned than his counterpart across town.

Pretty Damn Close To Being Pretty Damn Close

Harry Redknapp (Portsmouth): If Portsmouth sucks, he’ll probably be kept around for entertainment value anyway.

Roy Keane: Talented, up and comer manager who learned everything he knows from Saffy Ferguson? Yeah right.

Juande Ramos: If he continues to have the same impact he had when he took over last year (all while Tottenham keeps shelling out the dough), he’s going to skyrocket up this list.

Get Me Outta Here, My Owner is Crazy/Shitty/Corrupt

Big Phil (Chelsea): The chances that Luiz is fired at any point this year are slim and none for the logical mind (Avram Grant’s gone, after all), but it’s Big Boss we’re talking about here.

Rafa (Liverpool): I can just see Rafa walking into the ownership offices to ask for a new water cooler in the coaches office at some point during December, only for Georgy and Thomas to reply, “You’ll have to sell some of your office supplies to buy one. The budget is closed.” This is followed by an epic tantrum from Rafa which gets him a pink slip.

Mark Hughes (Manchester City): Would you put it past ol’ Thakky to move his entire team into the Bangkok Hilton and hire the concierge as his manager? Me neither.

Could Be Too Much Leash, But Then Again….

Kev Keegan (Newcastle): Nothing could be worse than last year, could it? Right? Probably not? Maybe not?

Is that Alan Shearer’s theme music I hear?

Paul Ince (Blackburn): He’s just walking into a terrible situation. They lost Mark Hughes, a couple of their best players, and they’re stuck with Roboslop in goal. The Blackburn board has to know it’s going to be a very rough ride regardless. I think.

Bad Football Means Good Job Security

Tony Pulis (Stoke): Known for a bit of anti-football, which, as we all know, is the great playing field leveler. It’s page 1 from the How To Avoid Relegation handbook. They may suck, but they may not suck enough to stick around.

Good Football Means Bad Job Security

Tony Mowbray (WBA): And then there are teams that try and play pretty football with very limited resources. Oof. Joga bonito in The Coke is not the same as it is in the Prem. Rest assured Saffy has circled this one a dozen times on his calendar.

Only Ever 5 Bad Results Away From The Axe

Gareth Southgate (Middlesbrough): It’d be six if he had his damn UEFA coaching license already.

Steve Bruce (Wigan): There is absolutely nothing about Wigan which says “job security”. Nothing at all.

Alan Curbishley (West Ham): You know things aren’t looking up when your job watch begins before the season has even begun.

Thanks For Last Year, But We’re Making A Change

Roy Hodgson (Fulham): Old Roy has had a whopping two spells with clubs which lasted more than two years. Both were over 20 years ago and both were in Sweden. So, uh, yeah.

Gary Megson (Bolton): There’s a good chance Bolton is going to suck and suck badly this year. First to head to the guillotine? Always the coach.

What Was His Name Again?

Phil Brown (Hull City): Oh they’re going to be absolutely slaughtered week in, week out. This may be a mercy sacking just for the job he did getting them to the Prem.

Think you know which manager’s going to get the chop first? Put some money on it then.