Mystery ManU Player Caught Sunbathing On Old Trafford Pitch

In this age of inflated player wages one would think most professional athletes, much less those playing for Manchester United, would be able to afford a membership to the electric beach. Not the case for one Red Devil, who was found lying underneath the UV grow lights for the Old Trafford pitch. No really.

When asked for his highlight of the year, the groundsman said:

“Finding a player sunbathing on the pitch under the grow lights!”

Would it really surprise anyone to find out that Cristiano Ronaldo had escalated his methods to industrial landscaping equipment in the neverending quest for the perfect tan? Hardly.

But not for my money. For that, there’s only one culprit: Paul Scholes. Quite frightening to think what he’d look like without that tan, really.

Not quite definitive though, so two questions:

i. Any other theories as to the mystery sunbather?
ii. How long til they get cancer? April? May at the latest?

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Category: English Premier League