Please, no touching Mr. Lampard below the waist

By: Bob | August 24th, 2007

The next time you sit down to renegotiate your contract with your boss you might want to take a cue from Frank Lampard. Or at least take a cue from the satirical demands of the Chelsea midfielder that are making their way around the interwebs.

From 100% Injury Rate:

Mr. Lampard is to be addressed as “Mr. Lampard” at all times, including in the match day programme, by the match announcer and by all other players, including on the pitch, with the exception of Mr. John Terry. In addition: The match day announcer is to read Mr. Lampard’s name in a louder and more enthusiastic voice than the other players, with the exception of Mr. Terry.

Employees of Chelsea Football Club, including the playing staff, are not to make eye contact with Mr. Lampard in the dressing room or on the field of play, even when celebrating goals or congratulating Mr. Lampard on his exceptional play, with the exception of Mr. John Terry.

Upon scoring a goal, Mr. Lampard is to be unmolested by fellow players for at least five (”5″) seconds, in order to perform a celebration as he deems appropriate. When the rest of the team then embraces him, they may not touch him below the waist.

Mr. Lampard is to be provided with a separate dressing and changing area both at Stamford Bridge and away grounds, of four-star hotel quality or better. The lavatory seat is to be new and sealed.

Mr. Lampard’s dressing room is to be painted white or off-white and decorated with two (”2″) vases of white lilies and a baby grand piano (white or off-white).

Those are some demands, but at least he is willing to let John Terry make eye contact with him.

Spotted on With Leather

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Category: English Premier League

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Comments  

• The-Man-in-your-head |  August 24th, 2007 at 2:45 pm

  
  
  

  LLLLLLLLLLLMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

  Posted from United Kingdom

  

• Brian |  August 24th, 2007 at 3:28 pm

  
  
  

  He also demanded an assortment of no less than three dozen doughnuts in his dressing room, not limited to but must include Boston Cremes, chocolate-chocolate glazed, and chocolate-covered glazed with blue, white, and neon green sprinkles. Fatty Frank = class.

  Posted from United States

  

• Massaer |  August 24th, 2007 at 7:00 pm

  
  
  

  this is hilarious

  Posted from United States

  

• John |  August 24th, 2007 at 9:58 pm

  
  
  

  This will be a fun weekend.

  On both sides of the pond.

  Saturday’s fixtures mah image link. Courtesy of ESPN.

  Posted from United States

  

• Adam |  August 26th, 2007 at 6:04 am

  
  
  

  Bob,
  I know its nothing but a satire. Just some boo boys(especially hammers) cant see him scoring goals hence they have started all this crap. But what makes me sad is that the whoever has written this doesnt have a slightest sense of humor.

  Brian,
  He doesnt live in Liverpool slums and he is not scouser to demand everything available to eat.

  Posted from India

  

• je n'ai sais pas |  August 26th, 2007 at 7:45 am

  
  
  

  Lampard… :l (If I was workin around him I ain’t sayin ‘Mr. Lampard’ to save my life)

  Posted from Trinidad And Tobago

  

• Andy |  August 26th, 2007 at 8:33 am

  
  
  

  Brian YOU eat as much as you know!!!

  KTBFFH

  Posted from United States

  

Comments are closed