Prem 08-09: Fearless Predictions

And with the season upon us, it’s time for more predictions which will almost certainly not come true because my crystal ball is dirty and unreliable. Just like Man City’s ownership.

The Big Four…..will stay the Big Four. Every year someone is supposed to crack through and break the big moneyed foursome clotting the top of the table. Guess what? They’re is a very good reason the Big Four is the Big Four: they’re all very, very, very good at what they do.

Sorry, Tottenham.

Aston Villa has peaked. That doesn’t mean they’re going to begin a slippery slide, it just means 6th is about where they belong when running on all cylinders. They have admittedly had a very solid summer, but they’re still a long, long way from competing for a Champions League spot. Fifth might even be asking too much if the police can’t find that money tree Tottenham stole.

Arsenal is going to seriously compete for the title down to the end. They may not have the ammo to win it just yet, but many people forget that sometimes simply having your young, excessively talented youth grow up is just as good as, if not better than, marquee signings filled with pomp and circumstance. After all, arguably their two best players last year, Cesc and Ade, will be 21 and 24 respectively – and that’s before we tackle the rest of their prepubescent roster. Plus they get Rosicky and Dudu back at some point. Things are looking a lot better than they seem with a couple weeks still left in the transfer window.

Speaking of…..Cesc will win Player of the Year: And he’ll cap the honor with more horrible acting for another TV show.

And Berba’s going to win top scorer/golden boot/whatever the fuck they call it. For Manchester United.

Andriy Shevchenko will beg for a move back to Milan by November. And get it in January. You just can’t fit a square peg (Ukrainian) into a round hole (Premiership). (Hi, Serhiy.)

While Luka Modric garners more hype, Samir Nasri will shred North London to pieces. But you knew that already.

Big Sam’s going to take over for Curbs at West Ham. Oh yes he is. And what he’s going to prove there is…well…Newcastle was just rubbish.

Vedran Corluka will be The One That Got Away for Spurs. Suppose there’s still some time to get this thing back off the ground, but having him cup tied for Europe isn’t exactly what Tottenham was looking for. Either way, great defenders aren’t easy to come by and he’s going to be a special one. Like an actual special one. Unlike that other guy.

The mystery that is Gareth Barry’s allure will mystify pundits and scientists alike the entire year. The only possible explanation for this charade is that Barry was simply a smokescreen for an £18m bid to bring in Merlin the wizard to patrol central midfield at Anfield.

£18m? Are you shitting me?

Newcastle is going to have a managerial controversy. At some point Kev Keegan and Mike Ashley are going to have words through the press and it’s going to turn into a big whirlwind and speculation over his future will be rampant and there will be stalkerazzi lining the trees across from Alan Shearer’s house/pub and Alan won’t say anything and his silence will be taken as a plea for the job and Kev will love it if he beats them and we’re all going to be really sick of it by like…now.

Steve Bruce will continue the trend at Wigan and have a sex tape released. With Paul Jewell. (Don’t get a mental picture of that.)

(Told you not to get a mental picture of that.)

Theo Walcott will fulfill the hype. I have really no other way to define that other than saying “he’s gonna be really f#$%ing good”.

Fulham will continue to be completely fucking useless. They’re just there. Every year. Just kinda there. Doing absolutely nothing.

With Robbie gone, Darren Bent will score 20. I can’t believe I just said that.

Marvin Emnes will be the next Ashley Young. Though considering he’s not English, he may not entice a club into making it rain sterling like Ashley did. However, he’s ricockulously fast and that alone will wow a lot of clubs into thinking his raw talent is worth throwing money at come January or so, even though he just arrived in England. Then all we can is pray that he stays away from the webcam while he touches himself.

Hull City is going to challenge Derby’s year of futility. God, it was just downright painful to watch Derby become a victim of their own success this year and Hull is just as ill-equipped to be playing with the big boys this year – even though many are picking Stoke to pull up the rear. It’s going to be another painful viewing.

Unless you enjoy schadenfreude, in which case…congratulations.

Absolutely NOBODY will touch any cocaine at Chelski this year. Scared straight, Adrian Mutu style.

But SWP will get picked up for drunk driving. Call it a hunch. Or call it, “He’s going to be so far down the bench by October he’ll have drunk himself into an Edgar Allan Poe-esque permanent stupor“.

Paul Ince will be out by Dec 1. Is that really “fearless”? Not entirely. Make it October 15th.

Mark Hughes will have had enough of Thakky by the turn of the new year…. and go back to save Blackburn from relegation! (Which he’ll do.)

We’re going to be excited about the football. Until the British press turns us fringe Prem fans off by roughly Monday.

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Category: English Premier League