Sir Alex Takes One In The Kibbles ‘n Bits

By: chris | September 12th, 2007

Breaking News Alert:

Sir Alex Ferguson, he of Manchester United gaffer-hood fame, has been punched in the goods. (”Fighting Drunk”….isn’t that the name of University of Notre Dame football fans these days?)

Reynolds, originally from Fife but now of no fixed abode, approached Sir Alex, who initially thought that the man staggering towards him was a beggar asking for money, the court heard. Instead Reynolds struck Sir Alex in the groin area, leaving him doubled up in pain.

The court was told today that Reynolds then said: “I’m sorry Fergie. I did not know it was you.” He then chanted: “Fergie, Fergie, shut your mouth” – a football shout common in Scotland. A police support officer arrived at the scene at which point Sir Alex pointed out his aggressor. Whilst trying to restrain Reynolds, PCSO Peace Toluwa was head butted in the face, causing a cut to his upper lip.

First of all, saying somebody is “of no fixed abode” is the nicest way of calling someone homeless I’ve ever heard. In fact, it almost sounds like something I’d want to try.

For me, there has been far too much focus on packages of Manchester United employees as of late. Though I must say, this is a much better story than reading about Nani continually saying “I am hot. I am hot.” (Are ya buddy? Are ya really?) For anyone with a deep hatred for all things Manchester United – basically anyone not a ManYoo fan – Kevin Reynolds has become our hero (apart from the whole racism thing). Now hopefully a Liverpool or Man City fan will find this guy a home. Or at least another bottle or two of Stoli for when the Roonster returns.

Who wouldn’t want to give Ole Whiskey Nose a good old uppercut to the nut hammock? In fact, who wouldn’t want to give a few of the gaffers in Europe a swollen testicle or two? Let’s run down the list:

Sven Goren Eriksson – Here at The Offside, we’re equal opportunity Manchester manager nut punchers. Not that we’d need an excuse.

Fabio Capello – Unemployed at the moment, but anyone who was ever crossed his path would like to give him a swift one to the grapes. A twat. A twat who wins, but still a twat.

Steve McClaren – Emile Heskey. Emile Heskey. Emile Heskey.

Martin Jol – At least Tottenham fans would like to.

Roberto Donadoni - Because he’s just stupid. Stupid stupid stupid.

Jose Mourinho – Who’s special now? Huh? Huh? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Marco Van Basten – Let me count the ways….

Roberto Mancini – It’s just so painful watching him take a team with a ridiculous payroll and completely screw up a lineup that should write itself.

Raymond Domenech – I’m sure the Scorpios are especially interested in this one. Although maybe having his wife at home sleeping with his players is enough of a kick to the manhood….naaaaah.

Feel free to include your own favorite gaffer in need of a back-heel to the nether regions.