The Arshavin Files: Andrei Gets A Haircut

After watching Jens Lehmann de-headband Khalid Boulahrouz yesterday, I’ve come to the conclusion that Arsenal’s purchase of Andrei Arshavin has nothing to do with his substantial abilities as a footballer and everything to do with bringing in a character to provide insanities equivalent those those formerly of Mad Jens. It’s more than what he says or does, it’s the people he surrounds himself with which aid in creating the inexplicable aura. Like his wife, who clearly is more than just another trophy WAG, and his personal stylist Denis Volkov, who will be flown to London Mariah Carey-style to give Andrei 12 year old boy haircuts to match his 12 year old boy face.

‘Yulia superstitiously distrusts hairdressers in London and insisted that her husband paid for his personal stylist’s trips to London for his hair cuts,’ claimed the paper.

‘Naturally he’ll have to fund my trips. But it’s not a problem, he can afford it. Yulia first approached me when she found out that I was doing hair styles for Russia’s leading figure skaters and former Miss Universe Oksana Fedorova.”

‘It’s easy to work for him. So far he liked everything I did. I’ve changed his style from glamorous Vidal Sassoon to simple “streetwise guy” and I had no complaints from him or Yulia.’

Dirty Tackle has exclusive(!) evidence of just how Andrei feels about Ms. Federova.

Glamorous Vidal Sassoon? Oh come on. If Johan Djourou hadn’t already proclaimed his undying love for mango buttercup facial dips, or whatever the hell it was, I’d say he has no chance in a professional locker room. But I suppose he’ll be alright.

That whole “new Posh & Becks” thing was something of a joke, but it’s not so far off now, is it? There’s clearly only one person wearing the pantaloons in this family and it ain’t Andrei.

However, Yulia still has a long way to go before she can ascend to the Posh pantheon of castration. Posh would never, ever have allowed David to move to a city she dislikes (Madrid, LA, Milan? Are we seeing a pattern here?) and Yulia has yet to orchestrate a move to a league completely undeserving of her hubby’s talents for the purposes of exposure and great sushi. At least the talent is there, though.

And in case you’re still worried about Andrei’s locks – you know, the important stuff – have no fear:

“[Yulia] told me I was someone she could trust to work on her husband’s hair. Before Andrei left Russia I cut his hair shorter than normal so that he wouldn’t need me too soon.”

Fantastic news. I know “trust” is a big issue when I randomly stumble into any building with a red, white and blue twirly thing out front. That and a big sign that says “we have cable!”. (And by cable I of course mean dirty magazines.)

Now if only they can find someone who will fly to London to mathematically divine the carbon footprint of Andrei’s hair.

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Category: English Premier League