Malouda: Training Is “Terrifying”. Wah. Wah.

By: The Offside | December 4th, 2007

Florent Malouda has taken great exception to the training methods in London. Malouda, as most may know, is the guy who was tackled by the ghost of Christmas past during the final in Berlin, giving ZZ the chance to put that PK off the bar, as well as being a pretty decent winger. The assumption when Chelsea bought him was that he’d come in a fill Arjen Robben’s boots, which were all too often hanging off the end of the trainer’s table (nothing has changed in Madrid, thanks for asking), only they didn’t mean literally. Malouda, on top of The Queen of Diving, is also injured. And pissed. Because he thinks the “brainless” training methods are to blame.

“Training sessions here are terrifying,” Malouda said. “They are just like matches, and you go flat out. During the actual games it is as though everybody’s brains are switched off.

I’m sure all of you are dumbfounded that a Frenchman is wussing out in practice (Allen Iverson would be proud). What I want to know is this: If practice is ‘terrifying’, and matches are just like practice, does this mean he’s terrified by matches? And if so, then what the @#$% is he doing accepting a paycheck playing professional football. Maybe he’d be better off on clay (I’d say tennis but I fear grass surfaces in general may be a tad much for him to handle).

Florent didn’t stop there, taking shots at teammates who are a bit piggish (I know, I’m scratching my head in wonderment as well):

“The people at Chelsea don’t control what the players eat. You can help yourself to whatever you like, drink Coke or anything.”

Coke?!?! Hard practices?!?!?? Oh the horror! (This is where we prepare for the story that Florent will be out for another 6 months because Frank sat on him and injured his woman parts.)

I’ve often harbored far fetched fantasies that someday we’d have an exchange program between sports, one transferring coaches on year long loans. Where, say, a baseball coach gets to coach a basketball team, or an American football coach takes an overseas jaunt to Europe for some real footy. You know, like Dick Vermeil going to Barca and embracing Ronaldinho in a blubbering man hug on the sidelines the next time Dinho is booed off the pitch because he spent the previous night groping teenagers at a disco. Or Bobby Knight running out onto the field and murdering Antonio Cassano (that’s BK choking his own player at practice, for those wondering). Or Isiah Thomas being allowed to coach a women’s team. Because I’d love to see Bill Parcells at Chelsea, and I’m sure we’d all enjoy the first time he called Florent “she”. Aptly, of course.

Anyway, Florent, be a man and suck it up you Sally.

(Inara also has the story of the French pansy du jour on lock.)

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Category: English Premier League, French Ligue 1

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Cerberus

Ok, there seems to be serious cross-chatter and emotions seem to be heated.

In the interest of moderation, let's step this back and let understanding occur. Chris, I think the main point being made is the same as that which you stated earlier against inara which is that there is a fundamental difference between physicality and technique, the physical and the intellectual. And furthermore, it is difficult to discern which is the superior methodology.

Certainly a team needs a measure of both to compete at the highest levels. To make it more personal to you, take AS Roma. They have a physical defense, but what makes them special is that currently they are not jut hoofing the ball to the solitary striker, but putting together very intellectual strings of passes (aka the intellectual side of football).

Malouda seems to be pointing out very clearly that England training is overly physical with not enough intellectual portions. It may be an unfair criticism, certainly as you point out, tactics exist in which people know what they need to do, how, and when, but it is a criticism of that sort, not of the sort that anybody who thinks in a match or wishes to see more thought in matches is somehow weak and unmasculine.

It is also a dangerous thought pattern to get into. Here in America, masculinity posing contests and the idea that thought has little place in "physical" sports leads to problems like the US National Team which has very physical and physically gifted players being made into pathetic fools by more technically gifted sides. It has certainly as Inara tried to point out made England into a weaker national team.

I think that is the point trying to be made and one which you yourself have made at points in the conversation. Sure, a game with all technique and no physical component can be just as bad as all physical and I also agree that Malouda should have put some thought into the not at all hidden physicality of the English game before signing on with Chelsea, but I disagree it is born out of fear or that being intellectually minded is either unmasculine or a negative trait to acquire.

Now about the being a diver on the other hand...Total pathetic wanker.
chris

That was anything but the implication.
trask

Dictionary time...

Physicality: "Intensely physical orientation; predominance of the physical usually at the expense of the mental, spiritual, or social."

Difficulty: "Something not easily done, accomplished, comprehended, or solved."

While your last comment wasn't a response to my comment, as far as I can tell, it (as well as your earlier comments) implies that these two words are interchangeable. Read Malouda's comments again, read the definitions again, and read your original post again. He's saying the English training sessions are more physical (and brainless), yes, but not more difficult. Yet your references to crying babies and wussy girls is implying he can't take it because it's difficult. You're still missing the point.
chris

Mourinho's practices were known for this level of physicality and difficulty. Lampard and others have made that clear.

Lampard says of the twice daily training sessions, "it's intense and that's a good thing." Mourinho details every minute of every session. If something is expected to happen in the 90th minute, it happens then. It is "very football orientated. Everything has a purpose," says Lampard. "There is always an aim."

There are plenty more. Sometimes the point is just that, and it doesn't need a "translation".
trask

Chris, putting aside your sexism for a moment, your underlying point seems to be that Malouda thinks training in England is too hard and too difficult. He never says that, however. There's a big difference between "terrifying, flat out, and brainless" and "waaah, it's too difficult, I'm a little girl's blouse." All he's saying is that in other countries, training is more tactical, technical, and thoughtful, whereas in England it's more physical and machine-like. If anything, you might make the case that he's arguing one is more stupid and the other less stupid... but not that one is more difficult and the other less difficult. Level of toughness and difficulty has nothing to do with it. If you spend any time watching training sessions over there you'd see what he's talking about and have a hard time disagreeing with his basic point... England club training sessions are similar to the matches, frenetic and physical, whereas training sessions in a lot of other countries are more about stamina, agility, technique, and tactical development. Once you get past the overt sexism of your original post ("girls are bigger wusses than boys" is so Brady Bunch, man... time to grow up), I think you'd find that your interpretation of Malouda's observation to be plain wrong.