The MLS Gear We’d Really Like to See

MLS keeps sending me emails trying to get me to buy stuff. You know. Coffee mugs. T-shirts. Posters. And my personal favorite, the David Beckham wastebasket. (Pictured.)

Thing is, I don’t want any of this stuff. I’m thinking that if MLS really wants to make money, they should give us the things that would really come in handy this season:

• Houston Dynamo and DC United Commemorative Straws. So you, too, can suddenly start sucking.
• San Jose Expansion Team dehumidifier and bright lights. To make dwelling in the cellar a little more bearable.
• Personal Landon Donovan Pre-Penalty-Kick Ritual Routine Generator. Have you been doing wrist kiss, wrist kiss, turf touch, cross yourself, turf touch, when the ritual that really would have made the difference was wrist kiss, wrist kiss, turf touch, turf touch, cross yourself? For the right fee, Landon Donovan’s personal trainer will come to your house to help you find the personalized ritual that’s right for you!
• Seattle Sounders Recycling Bin. For those names you just can’t throw away.
• Kyle Beckerman comb. Oh, wait. Never mind.
• Save the Developmental Player Sponsorship. For a low monthly fee, you’ll receive a photo of your player, a copy of his college degree, and a personal letter where he will express his undying gratitude to you for helping him move out of his parents’ basement and into a two-bedroom double-wide which he now shares with the other nine developmental players from his club.
• David Beckham wastebasket. For all the rules and regulations that don’t apply to the LA Galaxy in the Beckham era.

(On second thought, sometimes MLS marketing does come up with a good idea all on its own.)

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Category: MLS