The Offside’s Awards for the “Western” Conference Final

By: Laurie | November 16th, 2008

Once again, we are here to ignore the obvious and give the players, teams and advertisers the awards they really deserve:

The “Sarah Palin Commemorative Award for Excellence in Geography” to: MLS
Um…guys? New York is on the right coast. If you check your map legends, I believe you might find that Right = East. So Red Bulls are the Western Conference Champions…how, exactly?

The “Making Anti-Football Fun Again” Award to: THE NEW YORK RED BULLS
New York stuck to their game plan: Score early, then throw eleven behind the ball to defend. Normally this is a recipe for a butt-numbingly boring game. Except that the Red Bulls aren’t anywhere near as good at anti-football as, say, Romania or Scotland. (No whining, Red Bull fans. You know I love your team, and you know it’s true.) This meant that RSL got chance after chance, and Red Bulls got lucky break after lucky break (tucked in the middle of good some good defending.) This created actual, genuine excitement as neutral fans waited to discover which would run out first: the Red Bulls’ luck, or the clock.

It was the clock. RSL 0-1 Red Bulls.

The “You Look So Much Better Now That You’ve Dealt With that Pesky Unibrow” Award to: JUAN PABLO ANGEL.
Self-explanatory.

The “Woohoo! No Football Lines!” Award to: REAL SALT LAKE
For getting their brand spankin’ shiny new Soccer Specific Stadium done before the playoffs. Nicely done, boys and girls!

The “Man of the Match” Award to: THE NEW YORK GOALPOST
Congrats, man. You had as many vital saves as the goalkeeper.

The “If Only Shots Won Games” Award to: Real Salt Lake
RSL: 24 shots. RBNY: 11.

Sigh.

The “At Least It’s Not the Little Blue Pill” Award to: THAT UBIQUITOUS HAIR-TRANSPLANT ADVERTISER
I guess if we have to watch embarrassing advertising on sports programs aimed at Weekend Warriors, this is probably the least worst, right?

(When they start running Depends ads, I’m outta here.)

The “Please Ref All of Cuauhtemoc Blanco’s Games From Now On. Thank You” Award to: REFEREE RICARDO SALAZAR.
No diving. No BS. No kidding. Ricardo, I love you.

For Galaxy fans only: “The One That Got Away” Award to: ROBBIE FINDLEY
Were any other Galaxy fans weeping into their pillows Saturday night with dreams of what might have been?

The “With Videos Like These, Who Needs Ambien?” Award to: MLS, WITH AN ASSIST BY JUAN PABLO ANGEL
Viewers, did you know that you can go to MLSnet and see video of all of Designated Player Juan Pablo Angel’s touches on the ball? Yippee, right? He’s an amazing player. Thing is, though? JPA is a striker. New York played 89.5 minutes of defense. I don’t think this video is going to play a big role in MLS’s Greatest Moments.

The “But At Least You Still Have the Coolest Uniforms in the League” Award to: REAL SALT LAKE
Bright primary colors? Still incredibly sharp-looking. (Not to mention the best thing in the world for infant brain development. Just fyi.) These uniforms are something that bad luck, bad finishing and an unforgiving goalpost can never take away from you.

P.S. Congratulations, RSL, on showing heart and getting much further than anyone predicted. Can’t wait to see you next year. And congrats to RBNY for being the new (ahem) Western Conference Champs!

(Missed the Eastern Conference Championship Awards? They’re here.)