LA 2-Houston 0. The Offside’s Utterly Unofficial Awards for the MLS Western Conference Championship

It’s that time again! The time to give the Utterly Unofficial MLS Playoff awards that the teams, players and owners really deserve.

Today? The Western Conference Finals, LA Galaxy vs. Houston Dynamo. Final score LA 2-0 Houston aet.

First, the “WE’RE NOW COUNTING ON YOU TO KEEP THE MLS CUP FINAL FROM BEING THE BATTLE OF THE D-BAGS” award to:
Real Salt Lake

If all goes as expected and the higher-ranked Chicago Fire win the Eastern Conference tonight, the MLS Cup final in Seattle next weekend will be a battle between D-bag #1, LA’s David Beckham, and D-bag #2, Chicago’s Cuauhtemoc Blanco. What neutral MLS fan in his/her right mind can root for either one?

RSL, we are relying on you to defeat Chicago and keep this from happening.

The “FINAL SCORE: FRIDAY THE 13TH, 2; AEG’S BILLIONS OF DOLLARS: 0” award to:
Megazillionaire Philip Anschutz, the Home Depot Center and their power outages.

Hey, Philip Anschutz, owner of the LA Galaxy! You’ve invested millions and millions in the Gals and their facilities, yet you can’t keep two separate power outages from shutting down your team’s showpiece game for a total of 36.5 minutes, dragging your game out to an interminable 160+ minutes!

Maybe you should bag it and go to Disneyland?

Or then again…
The “BUT WAIT. THIS WAS ALL A NEFARIOUS MONEY-MAKING PLOT, WASN’T IT?” award to:
Phil Anschutz, the Anschutz Entertainment Group, and ESPN.

I couldn’t help but notice that during the above-mentioned power outage, A) all of the sponsors’ signs around the stadium stayed lit, and B) you used the downtime to go to commercials. I’m guessing that the AEG-owned concessions stands stayed open too.

I’m not actually sayin’ you are money-grubbers looking to increase profit, y’know? I’m just adding this to the list of “things that make me go ‘hmm’.”

The “I GUESS THAT’S JUST THE WAY THE BALL BOUNCES” award to:
The Houston Dynamo.

Sorry, guys. You played hard and 49.999% of the game was yours. Unfortunately your goal got called back and LA scored two in that other .001%.

Some days life just sucks.

The “UM…YEAH. THAT SKUNK STRIPE HAIRSTYLE IS A REALLY GOOD LOOK ON YOU. NO. REALLY.” award to:
David Beckham

Seriously, Becks. Shaved over the ears? Dark on the sides? Bleached down the middle? What the Hell is up with your hair?!?! And why would you think this is a good idea?

P.S. The people who say “Beckham looks good in anything”? They’re just sucking up.

The “IN THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF ANNOUNCER JOHN HARKES, ‘THAT’S A TOUGH CALL’” award to:
The Houston Dynamo, for the questionable refereeing decision that called back a Houston goal in the 80th minute, causing the teams to be 0-0 at the end of regulation, which allowed the Galaxy to take it in extra time.

Yes, John. You were right. That was a tough call.

The “COULD YOU POSSIBLY DRESS MORE LIKE A CAST MEMBER OF ‘THE SOPRANOS?’?” award to:
LA Galaxy coach Bruce Arena.

Bruce, sweetie, I know you’re Coach of the Year and you can dress however you like. But doesn’t this kind of recognition give you even more reason to lose the dark turtleneck + tan sport coat low-level enforcer look?

Or is that all part of the plan?

The “HE’S GOING LEFT WITH THE PENALTY! NO NO NO!!!! HIS LEFT!” award to:
Houston goalkeeper Pat Onstad.

Okay, Pat? You know when your goalkeeping coach made up the little diagram of how Landon Donovan takes his penalties? And every single one of them went to one side of the goal? Except for the one he scored in a recent playoff game? Which made you realize that he knew other people had this diagram? So you all kind of figured he’d go opposite of what he usually did? Meaning he’d go left?

What the coach meant was his left. Your right.

(D’oh!)

The “WAIT. YOU SAID WHAT ABOUT THE UNDERWEAR?” award to:
The Wickers underwear commercial.

I’m sure the slogan “High-performance Underwear” had a great ring in the boardroom.

In the middle of a game, though? It just makes us giggle.

The “EVEN WHEN YOU’RE 34, SOME THINGS STILL BEND” award to:
David Beckham.

Your free kick may have bounced around in the box a bit before your team scored the game-winning goal, Becks. But it did lead to the game-winning goal.

You’re still a douchebag.

(What, bitter? This recovering Galaxy fan? Oh, please.)

(Photo: Reuters)

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Category: MLS