Hearts Owner Vladimir Romanov has Officially Lost his Mind

By: Bob | October 6th, 2006

If there is a more unstable person in football than Hearts owner Vladimir Romanov, I’d sure like to meet him. On the official Hearts team website today, Romanov has posted an incoherent rant against journalists at The Sun, whom Romanov likens to a bunch of monkeys.

Romanov is unhappy with the paper because he thinks it is biased towards Celtic and Rangers and also because it has published a fair number of stories that have demonstrated his utter lunacy.

Since you are required to register on the Hearts site and I’d hate for any of you to actually do anything that would be seen as remotely supporting this nut job’s club, I’ve posted the complete text of Romanov’s statement below.

Maybe it was just a bad translation from Lithuanian?

REPLY TO SUN FROM VLADIMIR ROMANOV

I’m very glad that you finally got down from the trees and found a worthy place for yourself - a safari park. It shows you have both the habits and instincts of monkeys.

I’ll visit the director of the safari park and ask for a personal cage for each of you.

One thing is very important. First you have to pass the quarantine rules and the vet will vaccinate you against rabies.

So you are not allowed to join the monkeys yet. You should notice how peaceful they are. You may affect them badly and they’ll become furious. They’ll start biting and drawing cartoons.

I think it should be very comfortable for you to write your so-called ‘reports’ from your cage. It will feel like your natural habitat. Besides, the fans will be quite safe and aware from now onwards who you really are.

I will bring your favourite Celtic scarves right inside the cage for you to wear. And if you behave like our monkeys Chippy, Rosie, Blossom and Pansy, I’ll give each of you a banana as a reward.

Also I can organise a party - like the one we had in Kaunas on the eve of the Lithuania v Scotland match - in the safari park, specially for you. There you will be able to take funny photographs of yourselves as a momento of your lucky escape from rabies.