Serie A: Now Squeaky Clean.

Serie A has had something of an image problem since Calciopoli – or perhaps before, depending on whom you ask – and sweeping changes came after the fact to try and recoup some integrity within the confines of the peninsula. Of course the problem extends beyond the borders, because Italian teams just haven’t seemed to do anything in Europe since (Rosoneri hands pop up in the back and yes, you’re exempt). Despite stumbles, the establishment is gunning for perfection.

And Jesus Christ, if they’re not going to try and make it the cleanest fuckin’ league across all the lands.

(In breaking (!) news (!): The Offside has now been banned in Italy.)

In a move befitting the absurdity of calcio and approved by the pope, ‘offensive, insulting or abusive language‘ has been banned in Italy in a sweeping attempt to make the league way less fun. Punishment: arbitrary suspensions.

These things were announced, and it was immediately scoffed at amidst bellowing laughter, but it appears they’re taking this very seriously. Mimmo Di Carlo became the first this weekend to feel the wrath of the league for blasphemy, and it would appear they have teams who do nothing but spend their weeks scouring tapes for a naughty word here, a naughty word there, as Michele Marcolini was also caught after the fact. He was then let off the hook by a tribunal of lipreaders and sorcerers.

I’ve long held the theory that ninety percent of the problems with sports stem from the fact that the people who run them never played at the level they’re directing. If they did, they’d know the players don’t say “vaffanculo” to soil the minds of the lipreading children at home. Not most of them anyway.

The Italian players won’t give up without a fight, however, responding by naming Antonio Cassano their spokesman and leader of the cause, and he’s come through with his first thoughts on the subject:

And once he’d composed himself, Antonio came back with this:

In entirely unrelated news, Antonio Cassano will never play in Serie A again. Ever.

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Category: Serie A