Of Sergio Ramos, Ray Hudson & Nipple Erections.

There are only two stances on Sergio Ramos: you’re either a 12yo girl or you’re not. Similarly, there is no wading the middle ground with GolTV analyst Ray Hudson: he’s either an angelic aria or nails on the chalkboard – a stance that can change depending on which side of the game at hand you stand.

The two combined into a blistering fury of did he just do/say that? on Saturday after Sergio Ramos scored the leveler against Sevilla, then unleashed a magisterial nipple rub of absolute class.

The goal itself was rather mundane by goal-scoring standards – particularly those at the Bernabeu – but Sergio Ramos was so chuffed by his efforts he bolted to the camera for a hand gesture-cum-nipple teaser in celebration. The photogs, those who didn’t faint in his sweltering, boy band aura, got us a glimpse into the mind of a man with little impulse control.

Ray Hudson: also a man with little impulse control, thankfully.

An explanation would probably be nice, but at the same time is not really wanted.

The rest of the game – nipples aside – was equally, if not more, curious and head-scratching. Xabi Alonso scored the first goal with some of the best lead-the-line poaching you’re bound to see this year, only it was in the wrong net. Ivica Dragutinovic then scored the second on a shot which wasn’t even a shot at all, proving the theory the best way to beat Iker Casillas is simply to confuse the shit out of him. This meant early in the second half Sevilla were leading at the Bernabeu 2-0 with precisely one solitary shot on goal – which wasn’t a shot on goal.

Then gray clouds descended upon the stadium and there was soon a feeling of impending doom for Sevilla. Three goals in a half hour later, each of them a bit involving a bit of ‘industry’, and Real Madrid looked every bit a title contender spurred on by the scorching heat of Sergio Ramos’ nipples.

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Category: Spain La Liga