The Champions League Gets Serious

There are some things in life I will never be able to understand. The rules of cricket, what the bloody hell Ronaldinho is doing in this picture, nuclear physics, freeze dried ice cream, people who aren’t excited about this week’s Champions League action… That’s right, it is time once again for everyone’s favorite big club, big bucks brawl in Europe and, friends, it is going to be an exciting time on Tuesday and Wednesday. The final matchday of the group phase sees 10 of the 16 knockout stage spots secured and a whole slew of teams fighting for their right to continue to party. Here’s where things stand heading into matchday 6.

Tuesday, December 5

Group A
Chelsea (10pts) v Levski Sofia (0)
Barcelona (8) v Werder Bremen (10)

Chelsea is through to the next round. The tournament holders Barcelona need to win to advance. If Bremen wins or draws, Ronaldinho and the gang will be exiled to the UEFA Cup. Levski Sofia is done, but their players will get a chance to do some shopping in London so life isn’t too bad for them.

Group B
Bayern Munich (11) v Inter Milan (9)
Sporting Lisbon (5) v Spartak Moscow (2)

It is a battle for first place in the group as Bayern Munich and Inter Milan have both already advanced. Sporting will earn the right to achieve UEFA Cup glory with a win or draw against Spartak. If the Russian side wins, they’ll go to the UEFA Cup and Sporting will have a fine winter at home enjoying the excellent wines in Portugal.

Group C
Galatasaray (1) v Liverpool (13)
PSV (10) v Bordeaux (4)

There is virtually no reason to pay attention to this group. Liverpool is assured of finishing first. PSV is slotted at second. Bordeaux, will need a point at PSV to guarantee a UEFA Cup spot. Galatasary has wonderful uniforms and fans.

Group D
Roma (7) v Valencia (13)
Olympiacos (2) v Shakhtar Donetsk (5)

Valencia is the top dog no matter what. The rest of the teams are probably not sleeping too well tonight with their fate uncertain. Roma needs at least a point to advance to the next round. A Roma loss and a Shakhtar Donetsk victory could set off a explosion in Ukraine not felt since Chernobyl. Olympiacos could play spoiler.

Wednesday, December 6

Group E
Dynamo Kiev (1) v Real Madrid (10)
Lyon (13) v Steaua Bucurest (4)

Pay no attention to this group. Lyon and Real Madrid are through. Steaua Bucharest is in the UEFA Cup. Dynamo Kiev gets no consolation prize and an entire winter to sulk in balmy Ukraine.

Group F
FC Copenhagen (4) v Celtic (9)
Manchester United (9) v Benfica (7)

Don’t look now, but Celtic is already through. Manchester United needs a draw or a win at Old Trafford to advance. Benfica needs to beat Manchester United to ruin the dreams of the millions of 14-year-olds in Asia who still wear David Beckham Man U. shirts. FC Copenhagen is deader than a duck and just along for this ride this week.

Group G
Hamburg (0) v CSKA Moscow (8)
Porto (10) v Arsenal (10)

Fuck yeah, this is what we’re talking about. A draw will put both Arsenal and Porto through. If either of them lose and CSKA Moscow wins against a hapless Hamburg side, one of the group’s big boys will be sent to the UEFA Cup. Will Arsenal and Porto strike a deal and play for a draw? I sure hope they don’t.

Group H
AC Milan (10) v Lille (6)
Anderlecht (3) v AEK Athens (7)

AC Milan is through and way too sexy for their shirts. A win on the road will put AEK Athens into the next round, while increasing the suicide rate for Lille supporters. Lille is a point behind Athens and will hope that Milan will roll over and play nicely so that they can win and hope for an Athens loss or draw. Anderlecht will be happy to walk away with their opponent’s shirts as souvenirs.

As always, you can press your luck and try to watch the Champions League online thanks to our Chinese pirate friends. Using Internet Explorer as your browser usually works best and exercising patience is advised. Enjoy the fun.

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Category: Champions League