Transfer Talk: What’s ‘Cough, Please’ In Spanish?

By: chris | June 8th, 2009

Love that the Ricky Kaka news is leaking from everyone but Real Madrid, Milan and disreputable news outfits. Today’s poor secret-keeper? The slightly dyslexic Brazilian Football Confederation (or CBF). They’ve released a statement saying Kaka underwent a physical at the request of Real Madrid with all sorts of doctors looking on, whilst Robinho was instructing interns on the proper physical examination techniques.

In financially reasonable Real Madrid news, Florentino Perez is willing to spend only £22m on España norte – save your threats, Esperanto is the official language of The Offside, not Spanish – long-distance specialist Xabi Alonso. Nice to see he’s washing the uber-expensive Galacticos with some cheaper buys.

Elsewhere, Kun Aguero wants to continue the trend of scoffing at money by turning down Real’s billions for Barca’s billions – as long as Lionel can get him in through the back door.

German truth-teller Bild has Edin Dzeko well on his way to Milan to replace a certain Brazilian after…get this…’secret negotiations’. Kinda like the secret Kaka negotiations?

And in related news, Cristiano Ronaldo is still tanning.

Nemanja Vidic’s agent has either lost the plot or has threatened his client will move to the sand dunes of the Middle East for silly money. Or maybe just across town:

“Last week we were at Manchester United to speak with David Gill for other reasons, but we also spoke about Vidic. Vidic is supposed to stay there. A move is not possible unless some Arab makes a crazy offer. In a normal situation, he will stay there.

Is that Serbian for “new contract, please”?

Michael Owen has been rewarded for being benched on a relegation-bound squad with a move 12 spots up the Premiership table to Aston Villa. Martin O’Neill is denying, but then we would be too if our insurance company was threatening to pull the plug.

Champions League participants Sevilla desire greatly to pluck Didier Zokora off the Tottenham bench. Something’s amiss here…..

David Trezeguet, a man who inexplicably continues scoring goals despite most thinking he’s rubbish, is wanted by Lyon, Milan, Roma and Liverpool. The latter will use Andrea Dossena at bait and, just as inexplicably, might actually catch something. Dog/day/etc.

Timothee Atouba has put on clear six inch heels, crunched up his skirt, doused himself in cheap perfume and placed his dignity on the lobby table out the door as he whores himself out to the south of France: “Marseille is a big club of Champions League level, and although I have not had real contact, I do not hide the fact that I would love to play there.”

Manchester United have won the signature of a Brazilian defensive phenom while the Manchester Evening News have won the honor of news outfit most lacking in restraint:

UNITED are set to sign Brazilian teenager Dodo but the Reds are accused of threatening to make Brazilian football extinct.

Boo. Hiss. Groan.

Rafa Benitez will reportedly be holding a press conference shortly in which he gives a fiery detailed breakdown as to why Liverpool is not to blame for Manchester United poaching Brazilian youngsters.

According to the BBC, somewhere, via the Daily Mail, ‘Atletico Madrid are trailing Everton’s in-form 27-year-old South African midfielder Steven Pienaar‘. Begging the question: can someone be ‘in-form’ out-of-season? Discuss.