10 Ways to Improve Respect for Referees

By: Daryl | September 22nd, 2008

The respect for referees campaign isn’t going so well. There was Mark Halsey’s red card for John Terry being overturned, Stuart Atwell awarding Reading a phantom goal and – probably the most straightforward bit of disprespct – Rio Ferdinand calling Mike Riley a “shit ref” as he stormed off down the tunnel on Sunday.

So, clearly a funny video about respect for refs is just a funny video if nothing else changes. If we’re serious about respecting refs then here are ten measures we should consider:

1. Equal pay
Premier League players get paid in the millions, refs get paid in the thousands. How can refs exert any authority when the footballers literally think they’re better than the man in the middle. If anything it should be the other way around. So all referee paypackets should now be worked out using the following formula: salary of highest earning Premier League player + £1.

2. WAGORs
That stands for Wives and Girlfriends of Referees. If refs are seen coming out of the Met Bar (or wherever’s cool these days) with a glamour model/reality TV runner-up on their arm, then players will see that refs are just like them. Max Clifford can set it up.

3. Beef them up
Referees are reasonably fit. Fit enough to run around for 90 minutes at least. But next to professional footballers they’re not particularly impressive physical specimens. Some work in the gym could change all that. If referees spent every non-refereeing minute swallowing creatine and pumping iron we could have a new breed of super-refs who all look like the ’80s version of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

4. Make them above the law
If refs were given a special sort of diplomatic immunity, they’d be free to defend themselves with whatever force was necessary. And players would learn to fear the man in the middle. Right now there’s nothing to physically stop Chelsea or Man Utd players surrounding Mike Riley, but if he were allowed to jab them in the eye with a screwdriver – and face zero repercussions for it – then that would change.

5. Make yellow cards something to fear
The fundamental problem is that professional footballers don’t fear yellow cards. End of the day, it’s just a yellow piece of plastic. But what if the card was made of steel and had sharpened edges? And instead of writing a player’s name in a book refs mark a player as booked by slicing a mark in his cheek. Players won’t want to get booked if it will ruin their multimillion promotional deal with Nivea for Men.

6. More materialistic punishments
As well as their pretty faces, players also love their possessions. Maybe yellow cards should be replaced with repossessed sports cars and confiscated jewellery. And players don’t “get it back at the end of the day” like you did at school. The refs keep them. Uriah Rennie could build a nice collection of vintage automobiles.

7. Hot refs
Maybe footballers just can’t respect a balding middle aged man anymore, so we should replace all refs with new, improved superstar hot-refs (see above). An army of referees just as qualified and knowledgeable as Pierluigi Collina, but much much easier one the eye. To be used in conjunction with measures 4, 5 and 6 to improve Premier League players respect for women too.

8. Make linesmen more threatening.
There’s even less respect for linesmen than there is for referees. And rebranding them “assistant referees” didn’t help either. You just can’t look all that threatening when your job is to run up and down in a straight line waving a flag. So linesmen should also carry sniper rifles and be trained in the art of marksmanship by the CIA. To ensure respect for the offside rule, the new linesmen/marksmen are allowed to fire bullets just behind the defensive line. That way we know when a player has strayed offside, because they’ll have a bullet in their leg.

9. Sonic boom whistle
All refs whistles should be equipped with a “stun” setting, a high pitched shriek that forces all players to cover their ears in pain. Refs obviously wear special noise blocking ear buds so that they’re invulnerable. Added bonus: refs won’t be able to hear players constant complaining.

10. Robot refs
If all else fails, replace the humans with android officiators. Armed with cold hard logic, digital imaging and possibly some sort of laser cannon, these next-generation refs would rule with an iron fist (literally).