A Red Card for Red Wine
By: Bob | July 10th, 2007
Our world is on the verge of chaos and there is only one thing that can save it: soccer. That’s right. It is about time that all of the ugliness and sordidness of everyday life is replaced by the civility and order of the beautiful game. Wineries in upstate New York have come to this conclusion after watching wine tastings turn into spectacles that would make soccer hooligans blush more than a white Zinfandel.
Witness a recent event:
Two weeks ago, for instance, a woman in her 40s stripped off her halter top, slid her panties to her ankles and then yanked up her skirt to a crowd of wine-tasters on the nearby observation deck at Red Newt Cellars in Hector, near Watkins Glen.
Some people cheered, others were horrified and Red Newt co-owner Debra Whiting saw red.
“I was so enraged,” she said this week. “Having someone basically strip at your winery is not a good thing.”
We can all debate whether or not stripping is a good thing (actually that debate was solved many moons ago), but what we can’t debate is that there is only one way to stop this kind of debauchery.
Stealing a page from the sport of soccer, the wineries plan to issue yellow-card warnings to tour groups whose behavior steps out of bounds. Unruly customers who continue their offensive ways will receive red cards and get booted off the wine trails.
How do you suppose this will work? Will they hire Graham Poll to enforce the rules? If you get a red card from a winery does that mean you can’t take part in the next pub crawl too? Will FIFA recognize these cards and suspend footballers who are kicked off the vineyards? Was Wayne Rooney one of the people cheering when the 40-year-old took off her top? Will the slow summer months ever come to an end?
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