An Ode To Hyperbole

By: chris | August 7th, 2008

Andrei Arshavin, like Cristiano Ronaldo, Rafinha and Lionel Messi (since freed by his captors), is a slave. Held against his will by his rich vodka-drinking owners and forced to do unthinkable things like play football for millions of dollars and take cheesy glamour photos in a photo booth at a St. Petersburg mall. Andrei wants to move onto greener pastures as he enters his prime - don’t let that baby face fool you, he’s a wrinkled and decrepit 27 - as a player of his caliber should. Well Zenit ownership has slapped a prohibitive pricetag on his head (£25m+) and effectively sealed his stay by driving away his handsome suitors. But Andrei will not be detained by the draconian injustices of million dollar contracts. The man’s going on strike!

Andrei reportedly refused to take part in Zenit’s Russian Cup game yesterday, also said to be boycotting training, after he’d agreed to a Spurs move, but Tottenham ran like hell when they saw the pricetag Zenit had slapped on his head. Methods of business which threw Andrei’s agent, Dennis Lachter, into a fiery rampage:

“This is the Russian way. Nothing will change because this is the old Soviet Union way. For the Russian sports establishment the desires of the player mean absolutely nothing. They are the big bosses. It is a dictatorship. He is a slave.”

Well, it’s an agreed dictatorship when you sign a contract. Duh.

So who’s more in the wrong - omitting the completely off his rocker Lachter, of course - Andrei or Zenit?

Zenit’s pricetag makes Charles Manson look like a beacon of sanity, but that’s only to the rest of the world. How much is he worth to Zenit? Would they have won the UEFA Cup without him? The Russian Premier League? Would the balance of dominance once shift back to Moscow - a major consideration within Russia? All very valid considerations from their perspective.

Actually, screw that. £25m is batshit crazy (that’s like $6trillion for the Americans in the house).

Andrei’s faux pas is quite easy: if you don’t intend to see out a contract, either get a reasonable release clause inserted or simply don’t sign it. End of. Other athletes deal with it, why should he be any different? He’s not Jesus reincarnated. Unless he’s playing the Dutch. Or Sweden. Basically countries in that general western European region.

Conclusion? Everybody sucks, global sport is going to hell and agents should be fitted with muzzles.