An Ode To Hyperbole

By: chris | August 7th, 2008

Andrei Arshavin, like Cristiano Ronaldo, Rafinha and Lionel Messi (since freed by his captors), is a slave. Held against his will by his rich vodka-drinking owners and forced to do unthinkable things like play football for millions of dollars and take cheesy glamour photos in a photo booth at a St. Petersburg mall. Andrei wants to move onto greener pastures as he enters his prime – don’t let that baby face fool you, he’s a wrinkled and decrepit 27 – as a player of his caliber should. Well Zenit ownership has slapped a prohibitive pricetag on his head (£25m+) and effectively sealed his stay by driving away his handsome suitors. But Andrei will not be detained by the draconian injustices of million dollar contracts. The man’s going on strike!

Andrei reportedly refused to take part in Zenit’s Russian Cup game yesterday, also said to be boycotting training, after he’d agreed to a Spurs move, but Tottenham ran like hell when they saw the pricetag Zenit had slapped on his head. Methods of business which threw Andrei’s agent, Dennis Lachter, into a fiery rampage:

“This is the Russian way. Nothing will change because this is the old Soviet Union way. For the Russian sports establishment the desires of the player mean absolutely nothing. They are the big bosses. It is a dictatorship. He is a slave.”

Well, it’s an agreed dictatorship when you sign a contract. Duh.

So who’s more in the wrong – omitting the completely off his rocker Lachter, of course – Andrei or Zenit?

Zenit’s pricetag makes Charles Manson look like a beacon of sanity, but that’s only to the rest of the world. How much is he worth to Zenit? Would they have won the UEFA Cup without him? The Russian Premier League? Would the balance of dominance once shift back to Moscow – a major consideration within Russia? All very valid considerations from their perspective.

Actually, screw that. £25m is batshit crazy (that’s like $6trillion for the Americans in the house).

Andrei’s faux pas is quite easy: if you don’t intend to see out a contract, either get a reasonable release clause inserted or simply don’t sign it. End of. Other athletes deal with it, why should he be any different? He’s not Jesus reincarnated. Unless he’s playing the Dutch. Or Sweden. Basically countries in that general western European region.

Conclusion? Everybody sucks, global sport is going to hell and agents should be fitted with muzzles.

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Category: World Football

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Captain Obvious

KFA - Aren't you inherently wasting your own time by posting a comment like that? The extraneous ellipsis dots at the end of your comment are a further waste of time. You would have been better served reading the intelligent discussion rather than signaling to your guardian via the Internet that it's time for your afternoon Ritalin.
KFA

wow i just skipped the last 4 comments there too big for me to waste time on.............
j

Shazback - Let me clarify then, I said "by most forecasts" will be the first and the majority of forecasts point to that direction, although that is based upon proformas and different firms opinions. We both know they are subject to market conditions and of course can change quite a bit (which they have when you consider the recent pull-back in commodity prices). However if they and Exxon both are trillion-dollar companies, I'm not going to be concerned who is first for this purpose. My point is there are very few clubs that can even come close to their financial position and at this stage Tottenham's offer is very far off the asking price. I don't think many people understand how Football transactions work and in this situation, the english-speaking media is having a field-day with exaggerated claims. The major reason this deal is stalling is the structure that Tottenham is proposing which is back-end laden deal based upon player and team incentives and definitely not a firm price. As far as SWF's investments in Football, I think they've done a great job at raising the level of domestic leagues but as of this date they haven't shown the same interest in raising international play. That could change of-course and it would great to see because there is great Football in the area and the people deserve it. I respect your opinion in this and to be honest I think the entire situation on transfer prices and the ridiculous prices they've reached needs to be dealt with by regulatory bodies or this sport is headed for some serious trouble.
Shazback

j - I think most clubs do know that they're bargaining with Gazprom. But still, Gazprom has a business to run, and unlike Abramovich (who's just in it for the glory), Gazprom don't want to loose lots of money (losing a bit is OK, mind you).

Gazprom are very rich, but they're not the highest market capitalisation... Nor do they seem likely to be the first company to break the 1-trillion mark. Exxon-Mobil seems to be far more likely. According to the Financial Times, Gazprom's market cap is about 350 billion US$. Exxonmobil's is 470 billion US$. Also, Exxonmobil's net income is 30 times greater than Gazprom's (40 billion vs. 1.5 billion)...

In all honesty, the argument you're making is pretty moot... Dubai, Saudi Arabia and Qutar all have various state companies (often non-market listed and thus making it difficult to compare with market listed companies) that have strong ownerships (often via Cheiks or other high ranking officials) in football clubs. This hasn't stopped these clubs from selling their best assets, nor enabled them to force players to stay in second rate leagues with multi-million offer deals when said players are contacted by lesser clubs in more important leagues...
j

Chris - if you can send me an email I'll fill you more on this. As it relates to this transfer price I don't think many people in the Football world have considered who they are bargaining with. Zenit is owned by Gasprom, which by most forecasts, will be the world's first company with a capitalized value of over a trillion dollars. While they will respect a players wishes, they also are going to act in their clubs best interest and if you want to acquire one of their players, you're going to have to hit the terms they have set. So far all suggestions haven't even come close and mostly been back-end deals.
Greg

Say, Christobelle, was you going through my old posts and stealing a few things? Do you prefer "originality victim" or "blog-ually challenged?"

First, the word "hyperbole" was invented by me June 12, 2007. For proof, please see the following blog entry for evidence: Christobelle the Thief, Evidence #1.

Second, the following type of joke regarding the weakness of the American currency: "£25m is batshit crazy (that’s like $6trillion for the Americans in the house)" is mine. I make it all the time. I've ruined it. Like your sister's va-jay-jay.

If I catch you on my blog stealing again, it's on. Go to a fucking seminar on writing and being original or something. I'm done with you for now, I gotta go get some artificially distressed Converse sneakers, a trucker hat, and some eyeliner for later.
ben

He's 27?! How come no one's ever heard of him till this year? Did he take skill 'roids last summer?

/if skill 'roids existed, I would take them
john

Chris. It's official. You're my hero.