And on MLS’s CBA Eve, Don Garber and Bob Foose Were Visited by Three Two One Spirit. And Bud Selig.

Before we get started, here’s a quick update on the MLS Collective Bargaining Agreement, which technically expires tomorrow.

Both players and management have agreed that a work stoppage just as the pre-season is getting underway would not be a good thing for anybody, so they’ve extended the new CBA deadline to February 12. Good news, but all accounts say that there are still some major sticking points.

So what will it take to get an agreement? I believe I have the answer:

Scene: A winter night. Don Garber, MLS Commissioner, and Bob Foose, head of the Players Union, are joined on the street by Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig.

Garber: Bud Selig? What the hell are you doing here?

Selig: I come on important business. Tonight you and Foose will be visited by three spirits.

Foose: Hey, I saw that movie! But aren’t you supposed to be a ghost?

Selig: Nah. Supreme Court ruled that was a discriminatory job requirement. I got picked because I was around during the 1994 baseball strike, so I’m supposed to tell you about all the bad stuff that could happen if you don’t get that CBA signed.

Garber: But wouldn’t the 2004-5 NHL season be a better analogy?

Selig: Sure, but nobody knows who the hell that hockey guy is, so I’m it. And don’t tell me I should be doing this on freakin’ Christmas, either. I don’t do holidays. Moving on. Ghost of Soccer Present.

Garber: Wait. Aren’t we supposed to start with the Ghost of Soccer Past? The guy who tells us all about the sins of NASL and how we shouldn’t spend millions on name players or overexpand?

Selig: Nah. You guys already know that s***, so I gave him a mental health day. He sent a note, though. “Dear Bob and Don: The US finally has a good soccer thing going. Don’t eff it up. Love, Ghost of Soccer Past”

Garber: That’s aimed at you, Foose.

Foose: Nuh-uh. You.

Garber: You.

Foose: Youyouyouyouyou…

Selig: Boys. Stop. Ghost of Soccer Present.

Selig disappears, and our guys are joined by a big, jolly man with a long red beard.

Ghost: I am the Ghost of Soccer Present.

Foose: You look like Alexi Lalas.

Ghost: Um…yeah. I get that all the time. Weird, huh?

They fly through the air and land in the dirt yard of an ancient single-wide trailer covered with peeling paint and rust. As they watch, the front door slams open and guys in soccer gear start streaming out and into a beat-up VW van.

Garber: Four, five, six…twelve…thirteen… Damn! How many guys live here, anyway?

Ghost: This is the league-wide Developmental Player off-season accommodations. Someone took pity on them and donated it. It’s all they can afford. Let’s go inside.

Garber: I’ve never seen so much Top Ramen! And is that…Pabst Blue Ribbon? And not a single bottle of Moët & Chandon to be seen! Oh dear lord, I didn’t know people could live like this!

Ghost: Shocking, isn’t it? Yet this is what you’ve brought them to with your low developmental salaries.

Garber: I had no idea!

Foose: Yeah. Because we haven’t mentioned it or anything.

Garber: I thought you were exaggerating.

Foose: Up yours. I don’t exaggerate.

Garber: Oh yeah? How about the time when…?

Ghost: Boys! Let’s move on! Selig just called. Ghost of Soccer Future has a flat tire, so Bud asked me to work a double. So now I’m Future, got it? Come with me.

Foose: Where are we going?

Ghost: Dallas.

They land in the middle of downtown. People are rushing back and forth, doing all sorts of non-soccer things.

Ghost: See? This is what the city will look like in the future if MLS dies due to a work stoppage.

Foose: Um…Alexi? This looks just like it does already.

Ghost: Oh! Crap! Wrong city! We were supposed to go to Seattle!

Garber: Never mind, we get the point. Cut to the chase. What else happens in the future?

Ghost: The USA doesn’t make it out of the group stage in World Cup.

Foose: Damn. Not again. But how is that our fault? Bradley hardly even plays anybody from MLS.

Ghost: Oh, come on, guys. Maybe they’re depressed for their MLS friends or something. Work with me here.

Garber: Okay, make you a deal. We’ll accept a tiny bit of blame for that if you’ll tell us what happens to us. To Bob and me.

Ghost: Are you sure you want to know? It’s not pretty.

Garber and Foose: Yes, we want to know. It’s for our own good, and the good of the league.

Ghost: Okay. Brace yourself. Bob, you go back to doing…whatever it was you did before. And Don? You’re forced back to…back to… American Football!

Garber and Foose: Nooooo! Not that! It can’t be! We’ll change! We’ll compromise! We’ll reach an agreement!

Ghost: Excellent. My work here is done. Back to ESPN. Oops. Heheh. I meant the spirit world. Yeah, back to the spirit world. That’s what I meant.

***

Yup. Pretty sure this will solve everything.

***

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Category: MLS, World Football