Champions League Knockout Draw Predictions

First thing’s first: dreams do not come true for Wolfsburg fans. Sanctions were imposed on the pair of Russian ‘dopers’ (by doping they mean ‘taking care of the sniffles with cough medicine’), but CSKA weren’t forced to forfeit any games, points or cabinets full of matryoshka dolls. Sergei Ignashevich and Alexei Berezutsky were suspended for one game apiece, a suspension they served against Besiktas in the final group stage game. Lots of thankful sighs emanating from Moscow; not so many from Volkswagentown.

Onto the important stuff: the Champions League draw is tomorrow at noon CET in Nyon. Though they’ll pluck shiny red balls out of canisters, the draw was probably made last weekend in a seedy underground room in Michel Platini’s house, with angel dust, women of the evening, Vince McMahon and Nani walking around in his underpants proclaiming “I’m hot”.

But seriously, it’s rigged.

By the rules, teams cannot draw another from its own country, nor can they draw a team they enjoyed during the groups. Pretty simple, pretty straightforward. So aren’t making the predictions.

Winners: Bordeaux, Manchester United, Real Madrid, Chelsea, Fiorentina, Barcelona, Sevilla, Arsenal.

Seconds: Bayern Munich, CSKA Moscow, AC Milan, Porto, Lyon, Inter Milan, Stuttgart, Olympiacos.

This year’s draw is fraught with possibilities as Spain and England have three participants apiece, and all six won their groups, meaning they each have seven possible opponents. And it makes it easy not to bother with probabilities, percentages and all that mathematical mumbo jumbo. Blind guessing is way better.

Bordeaux
Possibles: CSKA Moscow, AC Milan, Porto, Inter Milan, Stuttgart, Olympiacos.
Prediction: In a just world – a just world with a sense of humor – Bordeaux would’ve finished second and then drawn Manchester United. We then would’ve been treated to an absolutely plastered Fergie on the sidelines for the French leg yelling drunk Scottish, more commonly known as Esperanto. ‘Tis not a just world. Milan, if only because Yoann Gourcuff can’t help but disappear when surrounded by Milan shirts.

Manchester United
Possibles: Bayern Munich, AC Milan, Porto, Lyon, Inter Milan, Stuttgart, Olympiacos.
Prediction: You’d think ManU’s luck would have run up by now. It hasn’t. Olympiacos.

Real
Possibles: Bayern Munich, CSKA Moscow, Porto, Lyon, Inter Milan, Stuttgart, Olympiacos.
Prediction: Given this is the Champions League big(ger) teams tend to gravitate toward one another. Real & Bayern will meet once again – Roy Makaay says hi – as name meets name.

Chelsea
Possibles: Bayern Munich, CSKA Moscow, AC Milan, Lyon, Inter Milan, Stuttgart, Olympiacos.
Prediction: Liverpool! Wait…

Inter. Because it’s rigged.

Fiorentina
Possibles: Bayern Munich, CSKA Moscow, Porto, Stuttgart, Olympiakos.
Prediction: The Viola have the least possibilities and arguably the best possible slew of opponents. Bayern are kinda sorta back and Porto are good, but neither are really in ‘quaking boots’ territory at the moment. Plus Cesare Prandelli wears that magic purple puffy jacket. Stuttgart for the win.

Barcelona
Possibles: Bayern Munich, CSKA Moscow, AC Milan, Porto, Lyon, Stuttgart, Olympiacos.
Prediction: The draw is cruel, cruel lass. Lyon to be punished once again for not winning the group.

Sevilla
Possibles: Bayern Munich, CSKA Moscow, AC Milan, Porto, Lyon, Inter Milan, Olympiacos.
Prediction: UEFA, ever one to promote financial prudence, will help Sevilla and Porto save on travel costs by pairing them for the first kayo round.

Arsenal
Possibles: Bayern Munich, CSKA Moscow, AC Milan, Porto, Lyon, Inter Milan, Stuttgart.
Prediction: Arsenal, by default it would seem, will see both sides of the coin:

Good: It’s a battle of young(ish) teams and Arsenal would have the clear advantage.
Bad: Who the hell wants to go to Moscow in February?

Now it’s your turn.

Bordeaux v
ManU v
Real v
Chelsea v
Fiorentina v
Barcelona v
Sevilla v
Arsenal v

Winner gets a first edition of Daryl’s upcoming book Why I Love A Man Named Fabio.

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Category: Champions League, World Football