Champions League Predictions: Jesus Christ, Superstar.

By: chris | March 9th, 2010

2126332_09f4b80122 There are two days of Champions League on offer this week: The Day of Beckhamania and The Day Before Beckhamania. Arsenal, Porto, Fiorentina, Bayern, Real Madrid & Lyon will need to take a backseat to the sideshow known as David Beckham’s The Rapture (The Real One).

This was to just poke a bit of fun at the media for treating Beckham’s return as The Biggest, Most Important Event Ever, but the first two non-English sites I ran into had one picture on the homepage: Sir David Beckham.

I’m nauseous.

Which is funny, as there are few professionals worthy of deeper respect than Davey Becks. The problem lies in that there are fewer – more accurately zero – who are more over-exposed. So say your rosary before Jesus Christ over there and we’ll wash our hands of the whole thing. With His tears.

(Done now.)

Onto business:

Tuesday

Arsenal (1) v Porto (2)

Are Porto on par with a full-strength Arsenal? Probably not. Are they on par with a slightly woozy and bruised Arsenal? Probably.

Of course the question isn’t whether Arsenal would, or should, have the advantage within the frame of 90 minutes at the Emirates; it’s whether they can surmount Lukasz Fabianski’s follies in the first leg without Cesc, Gallas, Van Persie, a fully-fit Arshavin, etc.

And that’s a mighty, mighty difficult question.

Prediction: Simply based on the fact that without Fabianski throwing on a Porto shirt in the first leg, Porto are outscored 1-0 at home, Arsenal maybe should have enough. Arsenal 2-0

Bonus Prediction: Lukasz Fabianski will be kidnapped and a ransom request will be made to Arsene Wenger. Strange, because Arsene will hire the kidnappers.

Fiorentina (1) v Bayern (2)

One of two things will happen here:

i. Fiorentina will come out of the gates like hell’s fury and steamroll Bayern all the way to Tom Ovrebro’s front porch with the helping hand of the karma gods.

ii. Fiorentina will play like Fiorentina.

Which wouldn’t be good, as they’ve lost seven of their last ten.

Prediction: I see no reason not to ride the history wave today. 2-2

Bonus Prediction: At the end of the game Louis Van Gaal will attempt to swap his couture outfit for Cesare Prandelli’s big purple puffy track suit; Cesare will flatly refuse and storm off.

Wednesday

Real Madrid (0) v Lyon (1)

Watching Real Madrid this weekend, one got the feeling they were every bit the Real Deal, and very much Barca’s equal. Though Sergio Ramos’ nipples took much of the spotlight, and rightly so, at 2-0 down the sense of inevitability of their victory was never lost. It was a victory won with talent, but one won by character. With arguably the most impressive Real side these eyes have seen in recent times, a proper, honest-to-goodness title fight is brewing in La Liga.

Which means positively squat right now if they can’t undo that hoodoo. Still the biggest checkbook in the land; still having terrible difficulties in the one that matters, the Champions League.

Were that team from the weekend to be named anyone but Real Madrid, Claude Puel would need to unchain the beast and unleash the attack to scoop up as many away goals as possible. Problem is, they are named Real Madrid, and the curse looms.

Prediction: Fortune favors the bold, and I’m one unlucky bastard. 1-1.

Bonus Prediction: Mere hours before the game, Florentino Perez will buy Deportivo La Coruna simply to use their shirts for the game, hoping pretending not to be Real for a few hours will smash the knockout curse.

Manchester United (3) v Milan (2)

When the aggregate score reads high-to-low in the second leg, someone’s in deep trouble; in this case, that’s Milan. And they might even be in deep, deep trouble, because it’s hard enough to win at Old Trafford. It’s very hard – I’d quite like to see the statistics on this during Fergie’’s tenure, actually – to either score at least three goals and win or take home a 2-0 scoreline, which is the only chance Leonardo’s merry men have.

Pato’o & Rooney’o are both knackered, which is good and bad news for each, but the star whose light will need to shine brightest is that horse-toothed fellow some once said would become the Greatest Ever. [Cue monthly 'this is what Ronaldinho once was' YouTuber.]