Champions League: Who Needs Group Stages?

By: chris | August 6th, 2009

Missed it, didn’t'cha?

Drama, drama, drama all the time in the Champions League. While champions Barca are off in the States working on their tan and brand profile, there are some real, actual games going on back on the continent – and some big teams are already out. In fact, one of last season’s big trophy haulers has already been relegated to a season without big money fun.

The full results are here or below if, like me, you abhor clicking links:

From a brief glance, the noteworthies:

Dynamo Moscow 0 – Celtic 2 (Agg. 1-2)

This was looking like the upset du jour going in, with the Russians taking a 1-0 win from Celtic Park – monumental under the circumstances. But Georgios Samaras had a clutch thing or two to say, saving his strongest shout for the 91st minute. You know, for that team that can’t win away games.

FC Timisoara* 0 – Shakhtar Donetsk 0 (Agg. 2-2)

Rumor has it Jonathan Wilson just fired a stapler through his screen at the guardian headquarters and screamed “fuck it, I quit!”.

Remember all those articles, quotes and words after Shakhtar’s UEFA Cup win telling us that Ukraine is the future? Yeah, a lot of good this did. Having drawn 2-2 in Ukraine, the UEFA Cup giants now find themselves out of ~~Europe~~ the Champions League entirely this year. They will be drawn into the Europa League playoff-round though. Hooray?

Oh how the almost-might have fallen – and so soon.

Twente 1 – Sporting* 1 (Agg. 1-1)

This is easily the worst at-the-death goal in the history of the Champions League. After the ball took flight, three players touched it: the Sporting keeper and two Twente players, one of whom flicked it back into his own net to send his team out.

FC Sheriff* 1 – Slavia Praha 1 (Agg. 1-1)

Some of you may remember Slavia Praha (or Prague) from the Champions League groups the season before last. Some of you may remember FC Sheriff from, err, never.

They’re Moldovan. They’re not supposed to win anything, much less 3rd round qualifying ties via 94th minute goals – which is precisely what happened.

There is no footage because no one believes it.

The draw for the Champions League playoff round takes place Friday at Michel Platini’s house in Nyon, Switzerland.

[Videos via, of course, 101 Great Goals - head there for the rest.]