Champions League Wrap: Battered & Bruised (Egos).

If we’d asked you Monday evening, which of these would you have offered up as most likely:

a) Michael Owen scoring a hat trick.
b) Bayern, who scored 6 goals total in November, putting 4 past Gigi Buffon in Italia.
c) A backline of Ji-Sung Park, Patrice Evra, Michael Carrick & Darren Fletcher combining to hold Edin Dzeko & Grafite to one goal.
d) APOEL managing a point and 2 (two!) goals at Stamford Bridge.
e) Atletico getting steamrolled at home by Porto.

The answer, unless you’re the result of a lab experiment gone awry, would’ve been e. And you would’ve been right. Incredibly, all the other answers are right too.

Good thing they don’t play these on paper. (Not least because it’d be incredibly difficult on standard eight by eleven.)

Knockouts: Bordeaux, Bayern, Manchester United, CSKA Moscow, Real Madrid, Milan, Chelsea, Porto

Europa League: Juventus, Wolfsburg, Marseille, Atletico

Tears: Maccabi, Besiktas, Zurich, APOEL

Group A

Ciro Ferrara has some ’splainin to do. Bayern thoroughly deserved their victory, but much of Italy is still waiting for Juventus to show up.

Statheads will enjoy this one: Hans-Jorg Butt has now scored three goals against Juventus in the Champions League. Yes, that’s Bayern goalkeeper Hans-Jorg Butt.

Maccabi showed their Champions League quality by ending the group stages with zero points and precisely zero goals scored. Good thing these small guys are getting a chance.

Group B

This one is rife with all sorts of “afters”. The news isn’t that Mikey Owen scored a tripletta, or that D. Fletch and M. Carr locked down Dzeko & Grafite, or that Wolfsburg’s pitch looks like they’re owned by a middle-income family down the street rather than Volkswagen. The news is that two CSKA Moscow players kinda sorta failed doping tests and were ruled ineligible directly before the game, which has forced an impromptu UEFA summit before the knockout draw.

CSKA Moscow’s victory came despite the suspension of defenders Sergei Ignashevich and Alexei Berezutsky. The pair was banned by UEFA’s disciplinary committee after club doctors failed to inform the European governing body they were on cold medicine.

The club said doctors omitted the drug Sudafed from the list of medication it handed to doping officials after a match against Manchester United on Nov. 3.

Ignashevich and Berezutsky were fighting off a cold after playing for the national team in a World Cup qualifier, the club said in a statement. The substance is not on the prohibited list but UEFA insists it must be notified of its application, CSKA said.

Because two players are involved, CSKA risks being tossed from the competition altogether. That it isn’t a banned substance, however, makes it seem unlikely they will. Unless UEFA are supreme meanie pants. So Wolfsburg have a slim lifeline and will be hopeful as long as Mikey Owen isn’t on the UEFA disciplinary panel, because he might bury them again just for fun.

Group C

Things we learned:

i. Yes, Cristiano Ronaldo is a female cleansing product…but he’s really good.
ii. When you start to show a little faith in Milan, they’ll draw with Zurich.
iii. Real Madrid look better without logos.

There’s nothing to say, really, because face it: if you were asked to map out the final table in August, this is how it would’ve looked.

But you can feel free to appreciate Ronaldo’s knuckler from 35 (and we won’t tell anyone – promise).

Group D

That Atletico Madrid were allowed to skate through to the Europa League with a -9 differential as opposed to APOEL’s -3 with equal points (they drew twice, 0-0 & 1-1) means the system is in need of a serious overhaul, if not complete destruction.

Damn you, Platini.

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Category: World Football