Champions League Wrap: The Polo & Chinos of European Football.

If Tuesday’s Champions League was the wildly unpredictable and younger older sibling, Tuesday’s was the safer, more mature, more conservatively dressed older brother. The first grouping of games was full of mischief and slightly stunning scorelines, and the second matchups have everybody thinking “I knew that would happen – why didn’t I bet on it?”. Barcelona and Inter did their duties, while there was to be no Romanian Cinderella. Oh, and Liverpool are still a shadow of their former selves.

Nothing to see here.

Group A

No doubt the least popular man in Lyon right now is Alberto Gialrdino. His dying seconds second pushed Fiorentina from draw to win and Lyon from first in the table to “holy shit, hope we don’t draw Barca again“. (Judging the way UEFA handles mixing up the draws year-to-year, they will.)

In a group with nothing to gain nor lose but the top spot, the biggest news was perhaps that Alberto Aquilani played 80 minutes of Champions League football and didn’t die. Small victories for Liverpool these days.

Group F

You knew it, I knew it, they knew it: Barca and Inter were always going to go through. Chalk it up to nerves, to inexperience…or chalk it up to being just plain better. This was always the way.

Neither team was particularly brilliant, in fact both teams had a bit of good and a bit of bad:

Inter.:
Good: Mario Balotelli scored the second great goal by one of football’s least likable characters in as many days.
Bad: Balotelli’s hair.

Barca.:
Good: They had a flat silly 80% possession throughout the game.
Bad: Victor Valdes had a flashback.

Rubin win the battle of former CCCP subjects and take a trek to the Europa League, while Dynamo will return from winter hibernation peeved and ready to continue putting the rest of the Ukraine over their knee.

Group G

No word yet as to who shed more tears by the 12th minute in Stuttgart: Unirea Urziceni or Markus Babbel. What we do know is that the move to Christian Gross, at least in the short term, was definitely the right one, because Stuttgart came out of the gates with blood and glory in their eyes. Three goals in the first twelve put U2 at the bottom of football’s Everest, and that was really all it took from there out. Any of the first seeds probably won’t complain about drawing a team currently occupying relegation zone space, but this isn’t the Stuttgary of even three days ago.

In Spain, the big news is that Tom Cruise was spotted at the game – this is good news for Rangers, as it means they didn’t wind up on the wrong end of a blowout again.

Group H

And in Group H, unless you’re from Greece or Bene—, is that Tom Cruise was spotted at the Olympiacos – Arsenal game. Only this one played, and this one isn’t a raving lunatic. Arsenal leftback Thomas Cruise typified the day’s Arsenal experience as Arsene Wenger ran out the youngest lineup in competition history, at a barely not teenager 21. Olympiacos were pleased by Arsene’s choice, as they ran out 1-0 winners and thus booked a second round ticket.

In the other game…well, the drama speaks for itself.

The final group stage tally…

Group Winners: Bordeuax, ManU, Real Madrid, Chelsea, Fiorentina, Barcelona, Sevilla, Arsenal

Runners Up: Bayern, CSKA Moscow, Porto, Lyon, Inter, Stuttgart, Olympiacos

Europa League: Juventus, Wolfsburg, Marseille, Atletico, Liverpool, Rubin Kazan, Unirea Urziceni, Standard Liege

Tears: Maccabi, Besiktas, Zurich, APOEL, Debrecen, Dynamo Kyiv, Rangers, AZ

[Vids: 101GG]

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Category: Champions League, World Football