Don Fabio: Lessons On Coaching…And Being A Jackass

By: chris | November 20th, 2007

If your favorite team has yet to savor the luxury of having one Don Fabio patrol its sidelines (check your trophy cabinet, he tends to leave things behind), fret not, as he is taking it upon himself to enlighten all the young gaffers of the footy world. Specifically, he has given us 3 rules to live by (and also to fill those trophy cabinets up with). And what’s more, they’re all free of charge and come without dealing with his massive ego, assholeness, and god-awful footy. Enjoy:

1. They need to be humble, with a strong personality.

Second one checks out. First one I’m still a little fuzzy on. It’s a good thing he’s cleared it up for us:

“People say I’m impatient when it comes to football and they’re right. I can’t stand the crap that gets talked by everyone, players, fans, the media, club officials sure, I suppose everyone is entitled to an opinion. But that doesn’t mean their opinion is worth as much as everyone else’s. Why should I waste my time listening to people who are clearly less intelligent than me?”

Ah, humility. Gotcha.

2. He must be respected by his players. He needs to speak with his players but not become their friend. If you become a player’s friend, the others are immediately jealous and then start to think someone is playing just because he is a friend of yours.

So make sure no one likes you. Well, if ever there was a master, it’s Don Fabio. This one’s a big check.

And in case of emergency, should you make a friend, make sure that he follows you out of the club where he stood up for you only to bench him once you meet up again at a new destination, all the while treating him like an assbag (which he is, mind you) to prove definitively that you will not make friends; and if you somehow do, you won’t play him (see: Antonio Cassano).

Ed note: As an added bonus, make sure you completely sabotage the club on the way out. This is a surefire way of eliminating the possibilities of friendship.

3. You have to find a way to play according to the players you have in the squad. Never stick to only one system. I think that is the biggest mistake you can make. Many people think there is one only good system but I think there are many.

Make sure you check some back Real Madrid, Juventus, Roma and Milan tapes not just for stingy defensive anti-football, but also for a clinic on free-flowing, attack-minded football from Flexible Fabio. Because, as you must surely know, watching Don Fabio’s teams is less footy and more enveloping one’s self in a harmonic display of artistic creation with a checkered sphere. Never ever would he suggest sticking to a defensive minded system and a defensive minded system alone. Nor, gasp, would he ever be fired for playing a brand of football with the excitement factor rivaling that of canasta night at the local retirement home.

So, be humble (but think you’re the best), make sure you’re respected (but nobody likes you), and be flexible (but play strictly defensive tactics). There you go. A lesson from the master.

And to sum up the Don Fabio experience in the minds of many a fan: I would give anything to meet him in a dark alley and knock his face off (but thanks for the title).