Eschewing the Transfer Market for an All-World Coaching Staff

If your beloved club was to be bought out by anbajillionaire, would it be better to spend insane transfer fees on a number of players or bring in a coaching staff that could make the West Ham reserves play like Milan’s Dream Team of the late 80’s and early 90’s. So why not build an NFL like coaching staff with a man for every job, no matter how big or small, to shepherd that formerly modest squad to glory. Well we’ve built ours.


Offensive Coordinator: Luiz Felipe Scolari. If he can bring visually pleasing football to Chelsea after Mourinho’s displays, he’s candidates #1-78.

Defensive Coordinator: Fabio Capello. Defense wins championships and Fabio is the grandmaster of both.

Team Speaker: Marcello Lippi. Marcello could have Kaka doing lines off a hooker’s bottom by the half. That’s enough for us.

Team Spokesman: Jose Mourinho. Because nobody has a bigger mouth than Jose.

Postgame Officiating Analyst: Alex Ferguson. He and Arsene would have to scrap for this job, but we’ve got other plans in mind for The Voyeur, so Alex it is.

Sideline Manservant: Steve McClaren. Nobody holds an umbrella like Steve.

Transfer Guru: Arrigo Sacchi. He hasn’t coached in roughly a decade, and he still can’t shut up about the market (still feeding off his Real Madrid gig). At least this way he’s somewhat useful. (Also in charge of coordinating team footwear.)

And if you’re trying to reconstruct one of the greatest teams of all times, that Milan team, having both coaches certainly helps.

European Group Stage/Early Knockout Rounds Consultant: Guus Hiddink. Particularly if you’re the underdog or hosting the competition and can pay off the officials.

Champions League Late Knockout Rounds Co-Consultants: Rafa Benitez and Carlo Ancelotti. It’s something about those midweek dances underneath the European lights for both of these guys. League play? Not so much.

Last Five Minutes Specialist: Fatih Terim. I think it’s more of a motivation by fear thing because he looks like a mobster hiding out in Miami, but reasoning isn’t exactly as important as the result.

Reserve Team Coach: Raymond Domenech. If Ray’s picking guys he deems worthy of “reserve team” status, it would probably look something like an All-World XI.

Head of Youth Teams: Arsene Wenger. Come on, like there’s any other choice.

Fall Guy: Avram Grant. Just because.

Statue Outside the Stadium for Good Juju: The Valery Lobanovsky statue currently sitting outside the appropriately named Lobanovsky Stadium in Kiev.

And of course, the big cheese…

Head Coach: Slaven Bilic. Slaven just looks better than everyone else roaming the sidelines, and it’s not like he’d have anything else to do with the rest of this staff but look good and smoke his cigarettes while thinking up new Rawbau tunes.

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Category: World Football