Exotic Diseases Infect the EPL: Kolo Toure Gets Malaria, Michael Owen Gets Mumps

By: Laurie | July 25th, 2008

It’s been an interesting month for exotic illnesses and EPL players.

Arsenal central defender Kolo Toure has picked up malaria, probably when he was home visiting the Ivory Coast on break. Incubation can be as long as a month, so he didn’t realize he was sick until the team’s preseason trip to Austria. He was hospitalized in Vienna.

Not a good thing. I had a friend once who picked up malaria on a jaunt with the Peace Corps, and he described it as “the gift that keeps on giving.” You feel like hell, then you start thinking you’re better, and then you’re flat on your back again. But the good news is that:

Professor Christopher Whitty, a specialist on the disease, said the type of malaria found in Ivory Coast is usually completely treatable if diagnosed at an early stage, as in Touré’s case. The player is highly unlikely to suffer any long-term effects once he recovers, which should take between two weeks and a month.

This is one of those stories the tabloids love. Nobody permanently damaged, but they can go crazy with the “Is anyone else on the team infected?!?!” hysteria. (One breathlessly tells us, “There is a chance that the whole squad could come down with the potentially fatal disease.”)

Yeah. Right.

Malaria isn’t passed from person to person. It’s passed from person to mosquito to person. So it’s possible that it could infect another player, but if I were a betting person I’d need some really high odds. Million to one, maybe? And even that’s pushing it.

The worst part of this story is that Arsenal will be missing Toure for the start of the season, and he probably won’t be 100% for awhile.

Meanwhile, over at Newcastle, Michael Owen has been hit by mumps. Yes, mumps. (Seriously, when was the last time you heard of somebody having mumps?)

“When I pulled out of the England squad in May everybody thought I had a virus,” Owen said yesterday. “But it turned out I had mumps and they would not let me go in case I infected any of the other players. While I would not say I was in a bad way, it was not very pleasant. It did affect me for a while – I was quite ill and I was not allowed to do anything for four weeks.

“When I came back our doctor worked out a programme for me slightly different from the rest of the players’. Instead of going in at the deep end with the rest of the lads we have just been making slow progress. That’s why you did not see me at Hartlepool on Saturday and why I will not be out there at Doncaster on Saturday.”

When I pulled out of the England squad in May everybody thought I had a virus…

(Um… Mumps is caused by a virus. That would be how they’ve had a vaccine since 1948.)

Like Toure, Owen seems to be recovering now. And from a British tabloid standpoint, this disease is even better, because one of the possible side effects in adults is sterility.

Over the next month, we can probably expect to see multiple articles like, “Can Michael Owens’ boys still get the job done?”

They’ll probablly even have photos. Maybe even video links.

Have I mentioned lately how much I love the British tabloids?

Get well soon, gents.