Fabio Capello’s England Phrasebook

By: Daryl | December 14th, 2007

Fabio Capello English phrasebook Fabio Capello’s appointment as the next England boss looks imminent. He seems to be the complete package: trophy cabinet fit to burst, willingness to crush superstars underfoot, tactical sophistication and an apparent ability to remain unfazed by the English media (so far anyway.) The only thing Capello might need help with is vocab, as his English language skills apparently aren’t all that. But because The Offside is a friendly place, we want to help the Italian settle in as smoothly as possible. Here’s a handy phrasebook with all the words Capello will ever need in his new job.

WAG – Wives and/or girlfriends of your players. Likes: Bacardi Breezers, handbags, giggling. Dislikes: Paying attention to football matches, not appearing in the media, you. Further reading available here.

Merk – Prank performed by Manchester United defender Rio Ferdinand. Tell him the best prank is to mark an opposition forward out of the game.

Fake Sheikh – Newspaper reporter posing as Saudi billionaire. Do not arrange clandestine lunch meeting.

Daily Mail – Xenophobic tabloid with delusions of grandeur. Will never fully accept you because you’re not English.

Fergie – Wily old Scot who will do everything in his power to keep his players away from you.

Hamstring pull – Euphemism for players who don’t fancy international duty that week. See above.

Left sided problem – Classic English conundrum caused by the lack of left footed midfielders in the gene pool. Tradition dictates that you give every Englishman aged 20-30 at least 45 minutes in the position, just in case.

Metatarsal – What at least five of your players will break in the next couple of years.

Boo! – What England fans say when they hear any national anthem but their own.

Sir Alf Ramsay – The manager you’ll be compared to if things are going well.

Graham Taylor – The manager you’ll be compared to if things are going badly.

Four-Four-Two – The only formation your new players will understand. Also a decent monthly magazine.

Faria Alam – Avoid.

Good touch for a big man – Standard compliment for Peter Crouch.

Should do better in the air – Standard complaint about Peter Crouch.

The robot – Short lived Peter Crouch goal celebration. Don’t let him do it again.

Paul Scholes – Talented midfielder who will not return your phone calls.

Winter break – Ask the Premier League for this. You won’t get it, but ask anyway.

Nineteen Sixty-Six – The only time your new team ever won anything. Don’t worry, you’ll be hearing plenty more about it.

Euro 2008 – International tournament taking place next summer. Does not concern you.

Diet – Lower calorie intake designed to reduce bodyweight. Discuss with Paul Robinson and Frank Lampard.

Biography – Books that your players will pen at the rate of one per season, usually with an awful pun in the title like “My Defence” by Ashley Cole, or “Totally Frank” by Frank Lampard.

Scotland, Germany, Argentina – The three teams you absolutely cannot lose to.

Plastic pitch – Pre-fabricated excuse for an important game that you know you’re going to lose.

Semi-finals at least – Stage which English media predicts your team will reach at every World Cup.

Quarter-finals if lucky – More realistic expectation based on recent history.

Penalties – The manner in which you will exit at least one tournament.

Any other phrases Fabio Capello should learn? Pop ‘em in the comments and we’ll add them to the phrasebook.