FC UEFA Cup

By: chris | August 26th, 2008

We’ve decided we’re going to buy a football team. Maybe a random club in Turkmenistan or something. Somewhere that we can truly start from scratch, and there, we’re going to assemble a team with the sole task of gifting Champions League football to superstars currently resigned to UEFA Cup action. Finally time to do some charitable work around here.

Two recent transfers inspired this dream we now hold: the Please Save Berbatov campaign being co-chaired by Sir Whiskey Nose and It; and Andriy Shevchenko eschewing a Champions League bench spot for UEFA Cup glory. Two polar opposite cases (though similar in that neither were getting any or will get any playing time in London this year, supposedly) that send one striker still on the rise heading towards the CL and another legendary striker, seemingly on the way down, taking a step down to date the ugly step-sister.

Now we’d be remiss if we didn’t first of all thank Milan for their season of epic underachievement last year, gifting so much talent to the squad; but also doing so with one request: wipe out the medical staff. Just take them all out back and do ‘em in, because this team will show up for training two days before the game as eleven and walk onto the pitch on gameday as six.

And we can only afford XI right now, so no bench as of yet. But luckily, we are taking donations.

GK - Igor Akinfeev.: His defense at the Euros was severely lacking, but he’s the real deal and has been doing it on the Europe stage since he was fresh out of diapers. Put a good, or even very good, defense in front of him and watch him shine.

LB - Yuri Zhirkov.: Did you watch the Euros this summer? Yuri was absolutely electric up and down the left flank. In truth he’s more of a winger who can hold his own defensively, but I doubt you’ll hear any complaints from the fans as he bursts through opposing halves at the speed of sound.

CB - Paolo Maldini (C).: This selection was for the sole purpose of having one of the greatest leaders in world football on the pitch until I glanced back in time to last year’s Serie A campaign and remembered Paolo was, much of the time, an absolute animal. And I’m not implying he was good for 40. I’m implying he was among the best defenders in the league, putting on clinics for the young whippersnappers like somebody had mistakenly told him it was 1992. He’s here because he deserves to be.

CB - Micah Richards.: Extremely gifted but young, so he’ll benefit from the elder statesman next to him, and his favorite movies are the Home Alone series, all of which he owns. In-flight entertainment has been taken care of.

RB - Vedran Corluka.: Slaven Bilic calls him the best right back in the world…and he’s not biased at all. Considering fullback isn’t a position overflowing with world class players, it’s safe to say he’s the best of the UEFA Cup lot right now.

LW - Silva.: Every club in the world wants him, and there’s a damn good reason why. One of the world’s next big superduperstars and a talent worthy of the biggest stage. Plus he’s only 14 or so, which means he’ll improve throughout the year.

CM - Andrea Pirlo.: On his worst day, Andrea still has the most glorious mane on the planet, and that’s enough for me. The playmaking and the fact a disturbing number of men would make sweet love to his right foot help.

CM - Marek Hamsik.: Somebody’s going to end up paying an absolute fortune for this kid very, very soon. A goal scoring mid and he’s freshly 21. Nuff said.

(Yes, defense is lacking a bit, but we’ll take 8-7 victories just the same.)

RW - Kaka.: This is a makeshift 4-4-2, meaning someone would have to be jammed in somewhere, so leave your comments at the door. Anyway, I still say Kaka is the closest thing that football has to what NFL scouts love to call “Position: Athlete“. Just put him on the pitch somewhere and give him the ball.

ST - Dimitar Berbatov.: This whole transfer saga is annoying as hell and his grumpiness on the pitch at times needs a serious shakeup, but he is a goddamn pleasure to watch. Without a doubt just a world class forward.*

* - If/when he moves to Manchester, Klaas-Jan Huntelaar and Andriy Shevchenko will fight to the death over this one. Both are a bit unproven right now (KJH outside of the Swiss Cheese D Eredivisie and Sheva after his horrid stint in London which has half the population thinking he’s cooked), but something says both are going to have fantastic seasons. And no, Luis Fabiano isn’t under consideration because if we can only afford eleven players, we certainly cannot afford to lose one from a teammate’s roundhouse.

ST - David Villa.: Duh.

Now here’s the question: can we take Champions League glory?