Florentino’s Eight Commandments.

Real Madrid fanzine Marca has done it once again, trumpeting the next brilliant move by the most bestest football club in the history of ever (officially). Today’s front page offers up Florentino’s manifesto, a list of rules by which Galacticos 2.0 must abide. Most are tame, some present a few problems for certain members of the squad. None of whom may have been just bought for gargantuan sums. No, not at all.

According to the pictures, banned have been such things as: dirty martinis, sandals, rude gestures, bicycles and kicking clocks. A list which would effectively put many a Sunday league side out of business.

Rather than plugging these into the Google Translate machine piece by piece only to come out which looks something like garbled Esperanto, these have been thieved unashamedly from The Spoiler.

1. Proximity
Players will need to appear approachable to the fans.

2. Education
Players must show respect towards all coaches, managers and fans.

3. Effort
Sacrifice, dedication…

4. Punctuality
Players must be on time for all appointments.

5. Health
Players must avoid all risky situations.

6. Order
There will be no excursions at night.

7. Image
Players must look presentable at all times.

8. Collaboration
Players must collaborate with the club and the press.

A few problems, however:

Proximity to fans.

This one wasn’t well thought through, as if they must get close to the fans, one of their defenders will be lacking hair and limbs – the former most importantly, of course.

Sergio Ramos is trembling in fear.

Must remain healthy.

Apparently the first note under this category reads “such as being Arjen Robben”. Well that explains that, then.

No “nightly excursions”.

This is just asinine. One cannot spend €94m to plant Cristiano Ronaldo in Madrid and ask him to curl up with a good book at night. That’s akin to buying a Ferrari and ordering it not to creep above 35mph. Or crash it. Blasphemous.

[The Spoiler]

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Category: Spain La Liga, World Football