How to Fix the US Open Cup and Cure Cancer

By: Bob | August 16th, 2006

We’re never afraid to shy away from a verbal showdown or a three-ring circus so the idea of a blogging carnival certainly appeals to both the left and right side of our post-lobotomy brain. The topic for this week’s virtual dialogue is the US Open Cup. It is a domestic tournament held in the United States that is about as popular as holiday at a leper colony. The general public knows nothing about it; the top teams see it as a burden rather than a competition and on and on and on.

The Offside to the rescue.

Here is our three-point plan to save the US Open Cup and to improve your sex life.

First, the soccer federation needs to capitalize on the tremendous name recognition of the US Open. Most people associate this term with either golf or tennis, so why not hold the soccer matches at these venues? Even though Tiger Woods doesn’t have much of a stomach for footie, chances are that most golf courses in America have a better pitch than what you’ll find in MLS stadiums. The 12th hole at Augusta National would be a superb place to watch the Wilmington Hammerheads play the Atlanta Silverbacks. The tennis crowd at Flushing Meadows in New York is louder and rowdier than what you’ll find at a Red Bulls game, so the hard surface center court might provide for an excellent US Open Cup atmosphere.

With a change of location in place, our second step will make sure to draw attention to the competition. Instead of featuring teams solely from the United States, the US Open Cup should be part of Chelsea/Manchester United/Barcelona/Real Madrid’s preseason tour. As we have seen this summer, there is nothing that the American soccer spectator craves more than to see the top clubs in the world. And really, shouldn’t that be what the US Open Cup is all about? If the World Series in baseball features just teams from Canada and the United States, the US Open Cup should show the world that the United States truly is a global partner by opening it up to teams from all over the globe (as long as it fits into their preseason training schedule and assures future sales of jerseys).

Finally, despite what you might read in men’s magazines, bigger is always better. The US Open Cup made a critical mistake when it adopted a new trophy. The old trophy is one that is designed for a national champion, as well as to survive a nuclear holocaust. Given the price of copper these days, a switch back to the old trophy would probably offer a great financial incentive to those proverbially cash-strapped American teams.