How To Tell A Dive(r)

By: chris | September 16th, 2009

Ronaldo’s head is proportionate but why the hell the big mitts?

At least one good thing to come out of the Eduardo fiasco is diving remains at the foremost of many people’s footballing thoughts – some of them even important ones (people, not thoughts). So expect some sort of public outcry the next time an egregious dive happens in a big competition (such as later today). And expect referees to be up on the various ways the kids are using to deceive their elders these days – kind of like keeping up to date on the street lingo for crack, PCP and whores.

British shrink Dr. Paul Morris has studied this – presumably because he’s too rubbish to work on important things like the minds of people who need real types of help – and unleashed a groundbreaking handy dandy manual for referees, featuring the cure for diving, the “archer’s bow“.

A four-point referees’ guide to “diving” was unveiled by British psychologist Dr. Paul Morris, detailing how players make a spectacle of themselves to win a penalty or earn an opponent a yellow or red card.

The main obvious signs are:

– Clutching their body where they have not been hit;

– Taking an extra roll when they hit the ground;

– Taking fully controlled strides after being tackled before falling;

– Holding up both arms in the air, with open palms, chest thrust out, legs bent at the knee in an “archer’s bow” position.

Dr. Paul has been kind enough to demonstrate the last one for us:

Perhaps now he could tell us why he chose to wear that ridiculous all white ensemble with knee high socks for a photo shoot.

A few friends have joined the class today in order to display the various stylings of the archer’s bow. Because football, if nothing else, is about interpreting individuality.

The Perfect Technique