Michael Ballack and Oliver Kahn win Vibrator Lawsuit

It hasn’t been the greatest of years on the pitch for Oliver Kahn and Michael Ballack, but at least the German footballers can go to bed at night knowing that people the world over are no longer pleasuring themselves with vibrators named after them.

As you may recall, a German sex products company Beate Uhse released a pair of vibrators dubbed “Olli K” and “Michael B.” ahead of the 2006 World Cup. The two footballers didn’t appreciate having their names associated with sex toys and sued the company for 60,000 euros. They were awarded 50,000 euros by a judge, almost enough to pay for one of Ballack’s handbags.

For its part, Beate Uhse has always insisted the company was innocent. The vibrators, 17 cm (6.7 inches) long and advertised as “cuddly” and “cheeky,” were not modelled on the stars’ own, er, equipment. According to Beate Uhse, the company did not mean to convince buyers they were going to be getting to know the men, at least vicariously, up close and very personally.

“We never had any intention to make a connection between the vibrators on sale in our shops with the names of ‘Olli K.’ and ‘Michael B.’ and the footballers,” company spokesperson Assia Tsernookoff insisted at the time.

Any company that tries to associate Oliver Kahn with a product that is cuddly and cheeky deserves a much, much bigger punishment than 50,000 euros. They should be forced to be on hand the next time he has to take a piss test.

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Category: Bundesliga, World Football