Michael Owen To Sign With Manchester United. (Yes, You Read That Correctly.)

And no, it’s not FC United of Manchester as some would believe. It’s the Red Devils. Old Trafford. Three time defending Premier League champions. That one.

Two days ago it was thought that Michael Owen would be signing for a team which was aiming for the Europa League, not world domination. His stint at Newcastle was nothing short of disastrous, his body is falling apart faster than a space shuttle made of bleu cheese and he was benched for a relegation fight for the love of god. Everything pointed to Everton or Aston Villa or Stoke or Leeds’ reserve team. So is it a stroke of genius, or a sign of just how far Manchester United has fallen in the last 45 days?

For Michael Owen, this is a dream signing of sorts. It’s one last chance to prove himself at the highest of high levels. And make no mistake: this is his last chance. At 29, time is beginning to head in the wrong direction for a player whose medical charts read as the health equivalent of Joey Barton’s rap sheet. Not to mention this is a player once of pace whose lower half is aging at twice the rate of his upper half. This is it, done and dusted. No team worth of Owen’s “Ballon D’Or talents” circa 2001 will take a chance on him again should this not work out.

But the question isn’t about Michael Owen, it’s something along the lines of “what the hell are Manchester United thinking?”. This is a team which was one fixture away from being thrown into the discussion of “greats” and “dynasties”. Yet within the last 6 weeks or so, they’ve lost their best player, the league’s best player, and one of the best players in a row, they’ve been snubbed by in-house Carlos Tevez, who will likely choose to go across town, while also being kindly declined by every other big target. They’ve imposed a self-limiting “transfer cap” which stipulates they will no longer buy players 26 or over for big money in order to keep the possibility of a sizable sell-on clause, in effect ruling themselves out of the chases for Franck Ribery & David Villa (though Ribery only wants Real and Villa won’t go to England anyway). And this focused their attention on Karim Benzema, Lyon’s little prodigy – but then he was shipped off to Real as well. It’s certainly not been a glamorous start to the summer, and the Owen news won’t read any better for those who skim their decisions off the surface.

But is it a bad idea? It might not be, contrary to popular belief. No one is denying Owen has quality, and class is permanent, as they say. But the real question is whether or not United’s doctors can have him fit enough to play the majority of games. And if that’s the case? Pencil him in for 12-15 goals and even more advertisements with his face splattered across. This is a no risk, high reward free buy for a team which can simply afford it, unlike most others. They’ll have the quality, they’ll have the depth. If Owen doesn’t pan out, so what? No loss. It’s good business, something United seem to be focusing on these days.

The only problem is this smacks of deja vu. There’s a certain other Ballon D’Or winner known for his prolificacy in front of net and crippling injuries. A former teammate of Owen’s, even: Ronaldo.

The move to Milan after seeming a shadow of his former self, the tantalizing one-in-two goal ratio upon arrival in Serie only to wind up with yet another career threatening injury which sent his career into question once again. The parallels are all too eerie.

So if Michael Owen is caught with a gaggle of transvestite prostitutes during a midnight rendezvous, don’t say we didn’t warn you.

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Category: English Premier League, World Football