MLS Coaches Escape Death Via 8 Year Old Boy

By: chris | February 12th, 2009

This might very well be the greatest sports story in the history of time. At least today.

A couple of Toronto FC (that’s MLS) coaches escaped with their lives after bobbing and weaving their way out of the path of a pickup truck before it plowed through some trees on Tuesday evening. A pickup truck being driven by an eight year old boy. Why was the eight year old boy driving, you ask? Because he was acting as designated driver to his father, who was plastered in the passenger’s seat.

You can’t make this shit up.

“I kind of panicked and ran as soon as I saw the car speeding toward us,” said Paul Winsper, a strength and conditioning coach, in a telephone interview Monday. “Your mind goes through lots of different things. I didn’t want to hang around just in case.”

Witnesses said the boy crashed the van into a tree, shattering the driver’s side rear window, after the two coaches got out of the way. The boy then crashed a second time into a tree, damaging the car’s radiator, the police report said.

The father, Mark Belanger, is in a whole heap of trouble, facing charges of child abuse, permitting an unlicensed driver to drive and what sounds like resisting arrest. But thankfully it’s not a crime with out a silver lining, as the entire story is full of Arshavin-esque brilliance, from the events to the mug shot (above) to the story behind the mug shot. And Mark’s got the voices inside his head – much like Andrei – to guide us into the light:

Mark Belanger on father-son bonding:

Belanger told police he was “feeling woozy and didn’t want to drive.” He also told them he let his child drive “because he wanted to have a bonding moment with his son.”

Mark Belanger on the best way to obtain facial injuries:

When police arrived, Belanger fell to the ground after he dropped his wallet. When he fell, he slammed his face on the pavement, leaving a gash on the bridge of his nose.

Mark Belanger on why he drinks:

The boy told police his father took “liquid medicine in order to feel better.” He pointed to an empty bottle of Canadian whiskey in the vehicle.

Canadian whiskey? Toronto FC? Does anyone else suspect there’s a higher power at work here….

Mark Belanger on adding even more insult to injury:

Belanger reportedly resisted arrest when officers took him into custody. He tried to kick out the windows in patrol car and was consequently pepper sprayed, the police report said.

It should be noted this happened in Florida, not the fine nation of Canada, where Toronto FC is doing something, presumably football related. And clearly no one had warned them this stuff happens all the time in Florida, it’s just the culprit’s age typically has another digit following that eight.

While Mark is chastised and cursed to hell for allowing his kid to drive, we’re all forgetting one very important thing: he passed on the keys knowing he was too drunk. And that, my friends, is no small step in the right direction – just ask the Chelsea midfield (that’s you, John and Michael). Standing O, Mr. B. Standing O.

[Spotted on Deadspin]