Mmm…Bribes, Pt. 2: Israeli Player Can’t Accept Car From English Bookie

By: Laurie | November 21st, 2007

That UEFA. They are such a bunch of party poopers. Can’t a poor footie player even accept a teensy little token of appreciation like a luxury automobile for advancing another country’s team?

Apparently not.

UEFA, soccer’s governing body, clarified yesterday that it deems any financial incentives or gifts to soccer players as bribery. The statement came in response to recent offers of luxury cars in Euro 2008 Qualification matches.

Spoilsports.

The story begins in Euro qualifying Group E, where England, in a stunning display of mediocrity, nearly knocked themselves out of the competition by sucking. Their hopes rested entirely on the ability of little Israel to knock out powerhouse Russia in last Saturday’s game. It looked like England was out of luck until the second minute of stoppage time, when Israeli player Omer Golan knocked in the winning goal. This meant that England needs only a draw today against Croatia to go through.

(And this is irrelevant here, but I have yet to figure out how Israel is considered a European country when it’s technically in, y’know, Asia. Did they have American beauty queens draw up the maps?)

But anyhoo. England fans were understandably grateful, so much so that billionaire England bookie Fred Done offered to give Golan a Mercedes. Not to be outdone, a Russian billionaire offered the Croatians four Mercedes to knock England out.

(Ooh! A luxury auto arms race among National Teams! If they keep this up, US players might someday get as much as a…a…used Yugo! Or even a Kia! Who says there’s no hope for the sport in this country?)

Alas, the European governing body has put a stop to this.

UEFA responded it didn’t matter if the incentive were a bonus for an individual game or just a gift, and such an act could result in punishment ranging from a stiff warning to banishment from matches.

UEFA commended the Israel Football Association for its decision to the effect that a player can receive the cash equivalent of a gift but would then have to immediately donate the proceeds to charity. “As far as the UEFA is concerned, the matter will be considered as if the bribe were refused,” the UEFA spokesperson added.

These guys are no fun at all.