Napoli Owner’s Stiff Warning Against Female Genitalia.

By: chris | December 16th, 2008

The world is just begging for some sort of reality show where all of the contestants are Italian football club owners. It’s as though one must achieve a certain level of insanity before being allowed into the super secret club…at which point you can run for meaningless political positions like prime minister.

Aurelio De Laurentiis is still a long way from the tin foil hat craziness of Presidente Mauro Zamparini, but he’s going to be appointed a seat on the board of this imaginary club. Lots of his players are being tapped up by English clubs – namely Ezequiel Lavezzi and Marek Hamsik – and De Laurentiis isn’t happy. So he’s taking the high road and warning his players off the true pitfalls of the Premier League: dirty female English genitalia.

“We made these players — two years ago nobody knew who they were.

“If they want to go to England then in the end they’re going to go, but they need to understand this: the English live badly, eat badly and their women do not wash their genitalia. To them, a bidet is a mystery.”

First of all….everybody who’s anybody knew of Marek Hamsik. They also wondered how the fuck a newly promoted Napoli managed to poach him. Watching him play makes it even more of a mystery – although I think the neck tattoo may have given rise to serious questions regarding his decision making abilities. Ezequiel Lavezzi was a little more of an unknown, but had already played for Genoa and still came over with the “new Maradona” tag…then again, who doesn’t.

Second of all…come on. These lads are going to be far too plastered and filled up on chips to notice what the hell is going on in their Page 3 model of choice’s nether regions when they’re living the Premiership footballer’s life. Do you think Gabby Agbonlahor can remember the name of his last baby momma, much less give us a solid stab at her pH values?

And lastly…god bless Italian football owners. I’d say Aurelio should wash his mouth out with that very same bidet, but they’re half the fun of calcio. Never a dull day.