New World Power, Same As The Old World Power

By: chris | November 20th, 2007

Y’all ready for this? Sitting down? In what can only be considered one of the greatest upsets in recent centuries, a Fox Soccer Channel commentator actually said something mildly interesting and thought-provoking. (Exaggerating, but those who watch get the point.) Anyway, the gist of the comment was this: What if the (ex)USSR has seconds thought and decides it doesn’t want to see other people anymore? That it was better together and they want to give love (communism) another shot?

This would mean the reunion of the old boys, and a national football team consisting of Russia, Ukraine, Belarus, Moldova, Armenia, Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan, Georgia, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan, Tajikistan, Lithuania, Estonia, Latvia and Krygyzstan (stopping for oxygen). And yes, all of those countries were at one point a part of the USSR nat’l footy team.

* - I spelled Krygyzstan correctly on the first try, which means it’s going to be a great day. Small victories.

So, let’s say they kiss and make up, with all those national teams currently at their disposal (literally). What would this USSR team look like and how damn good would they be? The lineup:

The XI

(Going with Russia’s 3-5-2)

GK Igor Akinfeyev (Russia) A no brainer. The new Lev Yashin will shortly be the best keeper in the galaxy not named Gianluigi Buffon.

CB Aleksei Berezutskiy (Russia) One Berezutskiy is enough.

CB Kakha Kaladze (Georgia) Hey, if you’re under 30 and good enough for the Milanese back four, you’re good enough for pretty much any team in the world.

CB Andriy Rusol (Ukraine) Remember the name, he’ll be joining G14 very very soon.

CM Anatoliy Tymoschuk (Ukraine) The very definition of quality in ever aspect of the game. Extremely technically skilled DM who walked into Zenit St. Petersburg in February and hoisted the cup as captain of the RPL champions a few weeks ago. Your team would love to have him. And he gets the armband.

* - He also finds time during the week to front Puddle of Mudd. (Here & here.)

CM Levan Kobiashvili (Georgia) Your floater.

LW Yuri Zhirkov (Russia) Nuff said.

SS/AM Aliaksandr Hleb (Belarus) His name would be engraved in this XI.

RW Diniyar Bilyaletdinov (Russia) Shortlisted as one of the most dynamic wing sets in the world and a nightmare for any D - especially the slower variety. One of the worst kept almost-a-sure-thing-rumors in Russia right now is that Bilyaletdinov is London-bound for €25-28m, it’s only a matter of when. (Guess which club.)

ST Andriy Shevchenko (Ukraine) Take him out of Chelsea blue and he’s still one of the best players in the world and your resident goal scorer. I really don’t like the man, but my lord would somebody do the world a favor and get this guy out of London. He’s too damn talented to be wasting the tailend of his prime like this.

ST Aleksandr Kerzhakov (Russia) One of these days he’s going to just blow up off the planet and take Europe by storm. One of these days… (But for some reason Guus doesn’t appear to be a fan.)

Bench:

Oleksandr Hladky ST (Ukraine) - Ladies & Gents, your new Sheva. Give him 2 years and everyone will know his name.

Andriy Voronin FW (Ukraine) The striker options are pretty stacked on this squad. In fact, they’re going to be pretty stacked on his NT soon.

Vladimir Bystrov RW (Russia) Pure hassle hassle hassle because he’s just faster than everybody else.

Oleh Husyev LW (Ukraine) Only on the bench because of two elite talents in front of him.

Maksym Kalynychenko CM (Ukraine) More Ukrainians on the bench.

Malkhaz Asatiani DF/MF (Georgia) Versatility is the name of the game.

Vassili Berezutskiy DF (Russia) The Other One.

Oleksandr Shovkovskiy GK (Ukraine) Old faithful.

Surely there are some better options and a few spots are debatable, but you get the idea. The team would be a little better than decent. Opponents, among others, are glad for democracy.