Offside Unleashed: Google Searches And You. And Me. And My Husband’s Christmas Party

Okay, ‘fess up. Which of you got here by googling “David Beckham’s [man-part]?”

Except that the search phrase wasn’t actually [man-part]. It was the five-letter word that starts with “p” and rhymes with “seen us,” which I can’t type here, especially above the jump, because my husband finds it amusing that I write for this site and keeps giving out the address to people he knows.

Except that he’s not a footy fan, so he doesn’t actually come here and read this stuff, so he’s not exactly in the loop about what I write here. This makes him rather indiscriminate about who he gives the link to.

Which means that I’m going to be heading into his work Christmas party on Thursday and making small talk with his employees and their spouses about things like schools and kids, and the whole time I’ll be thinking, “Please, nobody mention Gourcuff’s bikini undies. Or the word ‘zizi.’ Or David Beckham’s nether regions.”

I hope they serve a lot of alcohol.

But anyhoo. A few weeks back, Daryl did a great post commemorating the 10th birthday of Google, where he had some fun with some of the search strings our readers have used to get here. But one post can only scratch the surface of this issue, so I decided to dig a little deeper.

And now, having fully analyzed this topic, I believe I can state one thing with confidence:

You people are a bunch of perverts.

Not that we at The Offside don’t value this quality in our readers, of course. I’m just sayin’.

(And for the record, in case you’re now breaking out into a cold sweat, Google Analytics tells us only what, not who. So your guilty passion for “Zlatan Ibrahimovic shirtless” is known only to you, Homeland Security and your spouse’s divorce attorney.)

But back to Beckham. As one might expect — since we’re a football/soccer blog, and David Beckham is somehow involved with the game — a lot of people get here by googling “David Beckham.” Or at least part of David Beckham. Because the google searchers who visit us don’t seem to be at all interested in “David Beckham free kicks,” or “David Beckham Conversational Skills.” Or even “David Beckham intellect.” (I know, huh? I don’t get it either.) Instead, in the last month, we have:

“David Beckham penis”: 171 searches
“David Beckham’s penis”: 84 searches
“Beckham penis”: 58 searches

Note to my husband’s co-workers: Truly, I have never in my life written out that word before. I swear to you, this is the very first time. And…the second. And…well…the third. But… Hey! How’s that new baby doing?

But at any rate. What I find kind of odd is that Beckham is the only player singled out by body part. Other players get entire, holistic google searches. Like, “Del Piero,” (494 searches) or “Jozy Altidore” (139 searches.) Or “David Nugent Naked” (43 searches.)

(Nope, not going to give you the story on that one. Google it yourself. Because the program that tells us the search strings doesn’t give us the link to the actual post which the “David Nugent Naked” searchers were searching for. So in order to find it and give it to you, I’d have to either type it into my browser or google it, which means that this search string would then be showing up in my Browser History. And there’s no way that I — wife, mother and corporate spouse — am going to let that happen.

At least not twice.)

But I will tell you that the Beckham searchers are led to this post from our beloved former editor Bob Kellett, which is much ado about nothing, because it doesn’t even show Beckham’s man-parts. What it does give you is a link to an NSFW photo that was posted last year that was purportedly of Beckham — all of him, including the body part in question. Except that it wasn’t the real thing. It was just cut and pasted onto a Beckham pic with Photoshop.

Or, rather, uncut and pasted.

Or…um…so I’m told.

I think that sometime between now and Thursday, I’m going to have to develop malaria.

Offside Unleashed is a new feature here at The Offside, where we bloggers are allowed to roam untethered around whatever territory we choose to venture into, provided we touch base back at the beautiful game occasionally.

We promise that we will soon start writing whole entire posts that do not even mention David Beckham’s body parts.

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Category: World Football