Offside Unleashed: Why Zizou is not ZiZi

So a couple of weeks back, my co-blogger Chris says to me: “Is it true that the reason Zidane’s nickname is Zizou and not ZZ is that Zizi means gay?”

I said, “Not ‘gay,’ no, but…something.”

I knew this, you see, because the word, ‘zizi,’ was setting off all kinds of bells and whistles in that happy little part of my brain that stores all of the foreign words and phrases your mom and your Jr. High French teacher would have preferred you never learn.

I believe that the technical, anatomical term for this area is the “The ‘I Have the Maturity of a Twelve-Year-Old’ Brain Area,” and it’s much more readily accessible than the part of your brain that stores your average, everyday foreign language vocab.

This explains why you can almost always come up with the words for every bodily function and naughty deed, even as the words for “pillowcase” and “kumquat” elude you. (Although I must say that if the French word for “kumquat” sounded anywhere near as funny as the English word, it would probably be there too.)

And so, because I couldn’t quite remember the actual meaning of the word “zizi,” I went to one of my French slang books. The book with the simple definitions, not the book with the dialogues.

(Yes, I have a naughty French book with dialogues, just like in Jr. High language classes. Except that Jean-Claude, rather than saying, “Where is your pen, Jacqueline?” is instead saying, “Dammit! My [anatomical parts] are freezing off. Let’s go get s***faced and pick up hot chicks.” Imagine the boost in foreign-language literacy we would see if only the country would adopt this curriculum. I would suggest that concerned citizens contact their local schoolboards.)

But that wasn’t the book I was looking for this time. I was looking for the one that provides somewhat clinical definitions for the everyday words you always wanted to know. This particular one is entitled, “Merde.” Literally, “Shit” — a word which is actually much more socially acceptable in French than in English, to the point where you could probably even say it in front of your mother. Although I wouldn’t recommend you say it in front of MY mother. Because she’d probably give you a long, disappointed look and then go very, very quiet.

Or…um…yeah. So I would imagine.

But according to my book, the word “zizi” means “the [private parts], male or female. (A word used from early childhood onward.)” So I’m guessing that the correct standard usage would be something like the following ubiquitous mother-of-little-boy comment:

“Sweetie, remember? If we hold our zizis in public, we won’t grow up to be famous footballers like David Beckham.”

Oh. Wait.

What was I talking about again?

Oh, right. Zizou. Who is not Zizi. For reasons even the most monolingual among us can now understand.

(And for anyone feeling compelled to point out that the letter Z in French is pronounced “Zed,” meaning that ZZ would be “ZedZed”? Shut up. You’re ruining my narrative.)

Offside Unleashed is a new feature here at The Offside, where we bloggers are allowed to roam untethered around whatever territory we choose to venture into, provided we touch base back at the beautiful game occasionally. Future topics may include thoughts on fandom, goal celebrations, the truly disturbing search phrases some of you have used to get here, and reflections on the theft of Diego Maradona’s fake penis.

You know. Everyday dinner table conversation.

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Category: World Football