Oh Happy Days: Euro Qualifiers

Oh yes, the international break is wrapping up, yet still in full swing, with some big battles looming large today. Some usual, and some not-so-usual, suspects:

Czech Republic v Ireland (Group D)

Germany’s through. Everybody got that? Yeah? Good. Now the battle in Group D is for the right to finish second to those big boys from Bavaria. The lone remaining competitors are the two teams playing in this game, unless Slovakia starts acting a little less like Slovakia and starts channeling Mr. Hyde. The Czechs have a cool three points on the shamrocks, but an Irish win puts everyone back at the starting point. The Artist Formerly Known As Czechoslovakia would appear to be a strong favorite, but it took the European powerhouse San Marino to drop a man before they could put the game away. Good candidate for game of the day.

England v Russia (Group E)

Don’t sleep on the ex-commies or The Magic of Guus Hiddink. Obviously any game involving the Three Lions will be over-analyzed, over-exposed, and borderline nauseating by the time kick-off shows up, but this is one to definitely keep your eyes on. It took Russia losing a man – namely their keeper, who is replacing the currently injured Chosen One, Igor Akinfeev – to get their asses into gear and put a hurtin’ on Macedonia on Saturday. As for England, whenever the Sky Sports question of the night is “Who should start alongside Michael Owen? Peter Crouch or Emile @#$%ing Heskey?” – you’re in bad shape. Real bad shape. Like Britney Spears’ career bad.

* – I’m picking Russia to reach at least the semi-finals of the European Championships and they are my darkhorse for the title. Although I’m not sure if I’m willing to throw my bankroll on a guy who looks more like a 19th century poet with a severe opiate dependency than a goalkeeping phenomenon, as Akinfeev does. We’ll see.

France – Scotland (Group B)

Each team has something to prove with this game. Scotland to show that it really does belong in competition with Europe’s elite, because despite their current positioning in the group, few expect them to be in serious contention when the qualifying ceases. France is out to prove it still has a hearbeat after the mediocre suckitude and grass-growing, paint-drying, eyeball-poking boredom that was the game at the San Siro against the reigning world champs.

Ukraine – Italia (Group B)

Speaking of those reigning world champs, the boys in blue head over to Kiev to do battle with a recent World Cup opponent. History is on their side, with a 3-0 victory in the WC and another 2-0 win in qualifying last fall. Unfortunately, Ukrainian nemesis Luca Toni is out, and the boys will have to rely upon the tactical genius of Roberto Donadoni to put out a lineup at least capable of the illusion that they’ve ever seen a ball hit the back on the net, rather than stuffing the middle of the field with bodies. The current line is +/- 7.5 central midfielders for the Azzurri during the game.

Cyprus v The Most Serene Republic of San Marino (Group D)

There are quite a few reasons why this game needs to be at least followed:
• The Most Serene Republic of San Marino is The Coolest Name Of Anything In The History Of Ever. Period.
• How can you not root for a country – ’scuse me, a Most Serene Republic – that has a rough population of 28,000, and held a European power in TAFKAC to 3 goals while down to ten men on Saturday?
• San Marino has never ever, ever ever taken a point in European competition. They almost took a historic point from Ireland but had their dreams thwarted with time running out. This is probably their best chance to make history. And if you don’t want TMSROSM to make history, well, you suck.
• I, for one, am looking forward to the announcer fucking up the name “Yiasoumi Yiasoumis” all night long.

Finland v Poland (Group A)

You ready for this? Sitting down? These are the top two teams in Group A, with 20 & 18 points, respectively. They’ve both played at least one more game than the other squads, but Poland would still be in first place and Finland would only drop to third in worst-case scenario. That’s not half bad, and another victory would go a long way towards expelling those Polish demons from Germany. But you can never count out A Country Situated Close To Scandinavia, In Fact One That Should Officially Be A Part Of Scandinavia, But They Won’t Join Just To Fuck With Us. Why? I don’t know. I just like things from that general area of the globe.

For the rest of the games, check out uefa.com for their stalkerazzi coverage.

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Category: Europe, World Football