Ollie Kahn: Molding The Children.

Scariest words heard in sometime? Probably. But at least he’s not literally trying to mold them, pounding their bones into the shape he so desires – and don’t put that past him.

In his retirement Ollie was linked to the front office post with Schalke, an entire football club at his merciless mercy. But Kahn turned it down, and will now resume his post in football by eating little children. Or starring in a Chinese reality show.

Nicknamed “King Kahn” for his presence on the pitch and voted the world’s best goalkeeper three times, Kahn will start off with a group of young keepers aged between 17 and 24 in his 10-part series, the China Daily reported.

The 40-year-old will eventually pick the best goalkeeper among the group, which includes two women, and the winner will be enrolled at the German Football Association’s elite training academy, giving them a chance to launch a professional career.

Alright, they’re not quite children, but they’re certainly young enough to be scarred for life. And it gets worse:

Kahn was quoted as saying it would reflect “the importance of individuality and personality but most of all, how the contestants handle defeat.”

By “handle defeat” he means, of course, “how the contestants handle me telling them they’re rubbish and that their bitch mothers never loved them in my fiery-hot dragon breath”.

There’s no way this can turn out well, particularly with women and teenagers involved. One gets the feeling Ollie will be especially tough on them, trying to weed out the weakest of the pack. So it should be something like Simon Cowell meets American Gladiators meets Survivor. In other words, it’s perfect television.

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Category: World Football