Ooh! Hooligans! Straight from that American Hoolie Hotbed, Ohio!

By: Laurie | July 21st, 2008

Excuse me? Gentlemen? Yes, you, right there, the American West Ham “supporter” in the claret and blue. And you, over there. The Columbus Crew supporter in that bumble bee yellow-and-black. (But mainly the American guys in the claret and blue, who by most accounts were the instigators.)

Let’s talk.

I know last night felt like the right time to channel your inner hoolie. I mean… The appearance of an actual English team? Right here in your city? A team that you actually owned a jersey for? Or at least a team with a jersey you could get on ebay with rush delivery before the game? I mean, how perfect, right?

And I know you’re hopped up on the thrill on European-style hooliganism, having gotten yourselves all excited with hoolie porn like Dougie Brimson’s ‘March of the Hooligans.’

(Admit it. You keep a copy inside your nightstand, don’t you? Pages orange with Cheeto dust and scented with beer. Covered up by day with “Popular Mechanics” and your great-aunt’s Holy Bible. Taken out late at night when you think nobody’s looking.)

(Don’t think we don’t know.)

And so you take the opportunity presented to you by this game, West Ham “supporters,” and you decide to mix it up with those Crew fans.

And it worked. You got what you wanted. Some harsh words, some security guard action, and a photo in USA Today.

When people google “US Soccer Hooliganism,” there you will be, for generations to come. In thirty years you can proudly show it to your grandkids: “See, sonny? I was an English soccer hooligan! What? Yes, I was born in Akron. What’s that got to do with anything?”

But let’s think this through here. Do you know what European stadiums’ first line of defense against hooliganism is? No? Then I’ll tell you:

Alcohol bans. No alcohol allowed anywhere in the stadiums.

None. Zilch. Zip. Nada. Yes, I’m serious.

And so, gents, you’ve had your fun, right? You’re done now.

Because if I were ever to go to my local stadium only to be faced, because of you, with a large table filled only with Near Beer?

If that were to happen, I’m afraid I’d have to come find you.

(And bash your heads together.)

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Thomas

I'm not from Ohio Matt, but I imagine it would have something to do with Ohioans (is that what they are called?) being stuck with the Browns.
Matt

Who in Ohio roots for the Steelers McTalian? Blasphemy, son!
McTalian

I'd love to see the West Ham Supporters try to charge a bunch of boozed-up Ohio State fans or some drunken Steelers fans. They'd go back to London with less teeth and less testicles than they came here with, which wasn't much to begin with.
wsc

Don't make fun of Akron. It's a lovely, rubbery, anonymously alcoholic place.
fwembt

I think the exchanging of witty chants is infinitely preferable to the actual fighting. I mean, you support a team in the EPL and feel the need to assault the peaceful fans of a team in Ohio? Sounds like overcompensation to me.
Laurie

Matt, is that really silly string? How awesome is that? If it is, I could SO be an American soccer hooligan!
richard

i was there. it was/is totally overblown. about 15 seconds of handbags. i did laugh when they chanted "you're the 4th best team in London", though.
Lucas

I was just commenting to my chums last week at the bar, whilst watching the Crew vs Wizards game, that Columbus' supporters section seems to have developed nicely. And now this.

I'm surprised it took you this long to get this story on the Offside front page. Surely the most giggle-inducing thing I've read since yesterday. I may have found an MLS team to support while I wait patiently for the Timbers to move up (always dug the bumblebee color scheme anyway).
Matt

While not a good incident for US soccer or the MLS, I really hope that hooligans follow the trend of silly string use in rucks (note the shirtless tattooed big ned in the middle).