Ottmar Hitzfeld is the Lamest of Ducks

By: chris | January 3rd, 2008

Somebody needs to tell Ottmar Hitzfeld this isn’t his time and he’s being very selfish. January is reserved for all the inane rumors and transfer bullshit/gossip, not speculation over who the next gaffer in Munich will be. And especially not when there are 6 months for the suits to search for your replacement, making our daily dose of “Who will replace OH?” nauseating already.

Ottmar has informed The Powers That Is he will be stepping down as head cheese at Bayern Munich, effective after the end of the year. His next job will be to guide the Swiss National Football Team to the promised land after they’re done hosting the 2008 European Championships (supposedly - just don’t tell Kobi Kuhn he’s a lame duck as well).

Luckily for Bayern, Ottmar is looking to go out with a bang:

“I already told the club three weeks ago of my decision to finish in the summer. I will try again over the next half year to be successful and win as many titles as possible.”

Awesome. So he wants to win as many titles as possible. Which is, um, two. Bundesliga and UEFA Cup. So “as many titles as possible” may have been a bit overdramatic, but it works. And if I were a betting man (I am), I’d throw some money down on Ottmar taking all (both) of those trophies.

But of course, the nature of sport and the media is cruel, and the freshest of stories are only fresh for maybe 5 minutes. So after telling of his plans to leave, Hitzfeld’s dreams of bawling journalists and odes to his tenure (we’ll call this The Mourinho Effect) have gone unfulfilled.

Instead, we have the media scrambling to find the eventual replacement. And by digging for a replacement we mean throwing shit against a wall and seeing how much of it sticks. Were you to believe the Italian presses, Marcello Lippi and the Bayern hierarchy have already agreed to their vows over a couple frosty steins of German goodness. The German media, on the other hand, believes the future gaffer is none other than Dutch NT lame duck Marco van Basten. Nothing like swapping a lame duck for another lame duck. And there’s Frankie Rijkaard too.

All I know is this: Ottmar, and anyone else who plans on resigning anytime soon, do it closer to your last day next time. I’m already sick of this story and it hasn’t even begun yet.