Premier League Two: Electric Boogaloo?

By: Daryl | April 20th, 2009

The world is full of unnecessary sequels. Pirates of the Caribbean and The Matrix were perfectly good standalone films, but greedy studios saw dollar signs and so we got two more of each.

Bolton chairman Phil Gartside must have noticed this trend and decided “we can do that”. Hence his proposal for Premier League Two: Electric Boogaloo.

OK, that’s not the real title. Even though it should be. It’s certainly better than Premier League Two: Dead Man’s Chest. We can worry about titles later though.

Here’s the basic plot that Gartside is pitching:

36 teams: 18 in Premier League I and 18 in Premier League II.
Promotion and relegation would be two up and two down between the divisions.
Celtic and Rangers would be invited to come south of the border and join in
Just one promotion/relegation spot between Premier League II and the rest of the leagues.

There are so many problems with this, it’s hard to know exactly where to begin. So let’s begin with semantics:

Premier
- adjective
first in rank; chief; leading

Two
- noun
the second in a set or sequence

It can’t be “premier” and “two” at the same time. Wasn’t that the whole point of the Premier League?

And only one promotion/relegation spot between the new “Premier League II” and the outside world? The beauty of the current Premier League isn’t just that it’s the promised land for English clubs, but that it’s actually possible to get there. Look how happy Wolves fans were to get there on Saturday:

(more on Wolves Offside)

“One in, one out” is what bouncers/doormen say when a club is full. So the plan is apparently to make this as much of a closed shop as possible. It’s the first step towards the Premier League becoming an NFL style “franchise” operation.

I don’t think it’s any co-incidence that Phil Gartside is the Bolton chairman, because Bolton are exactly the type of club that will benefit from this. The Trotters could get relegated from the Premier League any season, so maybe he’s looking to soften the landing and secure his club’s future. But what about the teams outside the top 36? Basically, they’d be screwed.

Last, and by no mean least: Celtic and Rangers. I know there are all kinds of UEFA rules against clubs playing in foreign leagues, so in many many ways this is the most difficult and most controversial aspect of Gartside’s proposal. But to be honest I like it. Despite all the problems… seeing Celtic and Rangers play against the English big boys every week would be fascinating.

Not sure how other Scottish teams would feel about all the lost revenue once the Old Firm up and leave though (actually, I am sure. They’d hate it, and quite rightly). Basically, if Celtic and Rangers are allowed to cross the border, then why not all other Scottish clubs too? Not saying that would be workable. Just saying it would be fair.

This proposal has come out of nowhere. And it might eventually go back to nowhere. Gartside’s ideas will be discussed this Thursday and eventually need 14 of the 20 Premier league chairman to vote in favour.

But here’s the question for neutral football fans: Would “Premier League Two” be substantially better to watch from the old Second Division/First Division/Coca-Cola Championship? I’m thinking the answer is: No. Sequels are never better, but they always seem to make money.